St. Croix Birth & Parenting LLC
Get connected!
  • Home
  • Pregnancy & Birth
    • Newborn Care Birth Place Visit
    • Birth Complications
  • Breastfeeding
    • The Nursery
  • Events & Classes
    • Baby Sign Language Classes
  • Contact Us
  • Blog
  • Store

The Bewildering Case of the Vanishing Twin

2/24/2014

8 Comments

 
Picture
When our son was born lifeless and revived two months ago, our concerns and energies were necessarily focused on saving him.  After the ambulance roared away, after my husband raced off to be with him, a mother was left behind.

"Any chance you had twins?" asked our second midwife as she examined our placenta.

A second, much smaller lobe of placenta was present in the same amniotic sac, separated from the larger lobe that had sustained our son.  When viewed from the top, adding this smaller lobe to the large one made them look a little like a broken heart.  In the center of the small lobe, there was a white circle, the remnants perhaps of a second umbilical cord.  A vanished twin?

Picture
Early ultrasounds often detect the presence of two babies, yet as the pregnancy proceeds, one of the embryos dies and slowly disappears, his body absorbed by the placenta, the mother, or his twin.  Though more probable as the title of a Nancy Drew mystery, this unnerving process has been named the Vanishing Twin syndrome.  The reabsorption process may be accompanied by bleeding or cramping, or it may be completely unnoticeable.  A silent death.  A quiet loss.  The only witness is the other twin.
Picture
I did not have any early ultrasounds; a seemingly uneventful first trimester made scans unnecessary.  I distinctly recall noticing a teeny spot of blood sometime near the end of the first trimester, but that was all, and certainly within the norm.  I didn't bleed at all for the rest of the pregnancy.

About twenty weeks on, I thought I was miscarrying.  Lower back pain...cramping...but no bleeding.  A quick scan revealed just one baby, our son lying healthy in my womb, his little heart pumping.  It even looked like he waved at us.  That scan failed to detect the second placental lobe, so despite a 'feeling' early on that perhaps there were twins, these miscarriage symptoms, and some dreams of multiples, there was nothing that occurred during the pregnancy that should have led us to explore the possibility of the existence of a twin.

Wondering if you had another child, but not knowing for certain, is bewildering.
Picture
We tend to think that 'bewilderment' is synonymous with 'perplexing', but its etymology means 'to be thoroughly lead into the wilderness'.  The wilderness of the human heart.  I am lost in the deafening silence of the forest, uncertain whether to fully enter into the valley of the shadow of death, or retreat to the safety of my happy home life.  Like the mother of a missing child, I am stuck.  There is a time to mourn, says Ecclesiastes, but is it that time?  Am I deceiving myself--am I a fool, if I embrace the pain of loss--am I mourning a shadow, an imaginary child?  Or do I dishonor a very real baby who is gone by failing to believe, by needing proof before careening heart-first through the remaining trees into the ravine of grief?  

An uncertain grief, a tentative grief, feels like I am playing make-believe with my heart, and it will have none of it.  Yet with no chance in this world to ever know for certain, it remains a quiet, unresolving pain.
Picture

Despite scouring the internet for information on vanishing twins, for information on the grieving process complicated by this syndrome, I have been sorely disappointed. This is a relatively common situation, yet sadly, it appears that very little practical help is available.  The few articles I could find concerning grief and vanishing twins seem geared to the loss of a multiple later on in the pregnancy, as if grief is only appropriate when the child you lost is a fetus.  Yet despite that, I am grieving my little lost embryo.  I am grieving the experience of a twin pregnancy, since I didn't even know there were twins until it was already over.  I am grieving the experience of birthing twins.  I am grieving the experience of nursing twins.  I am grieving the experience of raising twins.  My heart has fallen off a wall and shattered and 'all the king's horses and all the king's men' couldn't put it back together again.
Picture
I have hesitated to share this part of my story.  I have hidden it away.  The dramatic circumstances surrounding my surviving son's birth seemed so fantastical that I thought that telling this part of my suffering would be 'too much' for others.  But it is hurting so much to keep it in.  I believe that I have hidden it away because I just couldn't bear to hear the stupid things people say to grieving parents--especially if there is a survivor.  Let me make this clear--the existence of another child cannot replace the one who isn't with you.  The love for one child is a unique irreplaceable love.  You would never tell someone whose mother died that they should be oh so grateful that their father was still alive, would you??  So please let's retire the ridiculous notion that if a parent has at least one living child, that they should not grieve the death of another.

I have had the strange honor of welcoming five babies in my womb who died in a way that would make each of them especially easy to discount.  My first two babies were each a "blighted ovum"--a bizarre name for an equally bizarre condition in which the fertilized ovum implants but the part that is supposed to form into the embryo never develops.  Only the placenta grows for a time until the woman's body realizes that something has gone wrong, and begins the process of emptying the womb.  My next two losses were "chemical pregnancies"--another odd name--a situation in which an egg is fertilized (...tiny human person created...), begins to produce the hormone hCG (...positive pregnancy test...) but something goes wrong very early in development and the woman has her period (...actually an early miscarriage).  And with this recent loss, it isn't clear what happened, but it appears that, assuming that the second lobe and possible remnants of the cord were from my son's twin, there was a little human person who died fairly early on after implantation.  And then his / her little body was completely absorbed.

I grieved my first two babies with a pain so intense it was debilitating.  My next two losses were much less painful for me.  But this one is so very different from the other four.  I look at my beautiful son and I see his beauty and his intoxicating little person who draws me into love for him.  But I also see a shadow.  I see someone who should have been there, with him, but isn't.  I look at twins and I wonder what his twin would have been like.  Was his twin a boy or a girl?  Would they have both had the same color of hair?  What color would this baby's eyes have been?  Would he or she have snored and snuffled at night, like our son does?  How could I possibly have nursed them both?  How could I have not?   All I know are questions.  All I feel is an empty cavern, with the pieces of my heart, my broken heart, cascading ever down.
Picture
Yet God touches me with moments of hope.  "Lift up your heart," He said to me, through the person of the priest, at Mass.  I see myself lifting up my heart, all the shattered pieces, knowing He can melt them back together with His tears.  Because He does grieve with me--He authored the words: "Mourn with those who mourn."  He was a man 'well acquainted with sorrow'.  Jesus wept.  He healed with a touch...a word from afar...even with the hem of his garment.  And I know His tears can heal.
Picture
8 Comments

Clothing and Other Resources for Families Experiencing Loss

1/24/2014

0 Comments

 
Health Foundations Birth Center (St. Paul, MN) recently published a great list of local, regional, and national organizations ready to help families facing loss.

To add to their list, please keep in mind St. Croix Birth & Parenting.  The Tiny Treasures Love Cupboard is now open!  A Love Cupboard is a clothing donation program for families experiencing loss, run by volunteer coordinators, and sponsored by Stillbirthday.  What will families find in the Tiny Treasures Love Cupboard?  Families facing and experiencing loss will find a variety of hand-made tiny/micro-preemie, preemie, newborn and small infant clothes and baby blankets in both gender-neutral, boy, and girl styles, made by Team Tiny Treasures, a group of talented volunteers who knit, crochet, and sew.  The clothes can be used in the interim, if the length of the baby's life is uncertain; or to dress the baby after he or she has passed away.  We also provide maternity clothes for families facing financial difficulties--common when your pregnancy is high-risk.  Here are some examples of lovely donations available now to receiving families, and made by members of Team Tiny Treasures:
Picture
  • A family who has learned that their baby will be born via miscarriage can find a tiny, hand-crocheted hooded bunting in which they can place their baby once he or she is born

Picture
  • A friend of a family who has experienced a miscarriage can visit and pick up a sweet hand-knit kimono and bonnet for the baby

Picture
  • A mother who has learned that her daughter has died early in the second trimester can visit and choose a dainty hand-crocheted dress and bonnet for the baby, so that she has an outfit ready, in a small enough size, for her daughter when she is born

Picture
  • A grandmother can pick out a hand-knit kimono, baby booties, and baby hat for her larger preterm grandson

Picture
  • A father can contact us to ship this sweet gown and bonnet to his family, so that his full-term, newborn daughter can wear an outfit crocheted with love and prayers for her funeral

Team Tiny Treasures would love to expand!  We are especially looking for additional seamstresses who can make bereavement diapers and tiny shrouds/wraps for miscarried babies.  We are also in need of additional crocheted burial cocoons.  Patterns are available from St. Croix Birth & Parenting.  We would especially love to welcome jewelry makers who would be willing to make matching mom/baby bracelets.  If you aren't the crafty type, financial gifts are always welcome which we will use to purchase items for memory baskets or to ship items to families who are located out of the area, or families who cannot visit the Tiny Treasures room.  Gifts of new or like-new baby clothes up to size 0-3 months and gently used maternity clothes are also welcome!  Contact us for more information, to volunteer, or to donate items.
0 Comments

What is a Perinatal Loss Doula?

6/11/2013

0 Comments

 
Picture
Whether your baby dies soon after your positive pregnancy test, in the middle of your pregnancy, at or around your baby's due date, or early in your baby's life--all these different types of loss mean saying good-bye to your child.  Perinatal loss (loss of your child or children surrounding the time of birth) can cause a range of emotions: numbness, disappointment, anger, isolation, depression, anxiety, bargaining, hyper-vigilance, loneliness, and profound grief, among many other feelings.  It is common to experience physical signs of grief and re-adjustment to life without baby, including uncontrollable tears or sobs, arms that truly ache with emptiness, the need to hold a doll or stuffed animal, breasts that fill with milk or become engorged, increased or decreased appetite, and insomnia.  You may hear what sounds like a baby crying.  You may have vivid dreams of your baby or of being pregnant again.  Depending on the age and condition of your baby, you may have to make decisions about things with which you may have no experience, such as organ donation or funeral plans.  It is common to feel overwhelmed and in such a state of shock that details simply pass through you.

A Perinatal Loss Doula is (typically) a woman who has received professional training in normal pregnancy and birth, and specialized training in a variety of types of perinatal loss (usually including ectopic pregnancies, molar pregnancies, and other miscarriages; stillbirths; and neonatal loss) so that she can help you understand, if possible, what has happened to you and your baby, as well as inform you of options you have for creating memories of your baby--something that likely will be very important and healing for you.  Many Perinatal Loss Doulas are 'loss moms' themselves--or have close friends or family members who are--so they well understand the pain and grief of the loss of a child.  Many will perform their services voluntarily as a service to you from the heart of one who has experienced healing to the heart of one who is still hurting.  A good Perinatal Loss Doula will walk by your side for as long as it takes until you feel ready to go on without her; listening to you; explaining what you are likely to experience, physically and emotionally; and helping with practical needs like meals or child care.  A perinatal loss doula is also a welcome person on your birthing team should you become pregnant again, since she understands how different the experience of a pregnancy and birth after loss can be.


Like other doulas, a Perinatal Loss Doula is typically not a health care provider, but if you are pregnant and have recently received the horrible news that your baby has died, but have not yet experienced the loss/birth of your baby, a Perinatal Loss Doula can accompany you through the miscarriage or during the birthing process, as long as you are under the care of a midwife or doctor.  The further along you are in the pregnancy, the more the process of birthing your baby will resemble the experience of the birth of a live baby, so having a doula present to help you give birth makes sense, especially when you consider the additional emotional difficulty involved with birthing a baby who has already died.  A well-trained Perinatal Loss Doula will not only support the birthing mother, but the baby's father and other family members as well, who will undoubtedly feel their own crush of grief, as well as concern for your health and well-being.  Your doula can suggest ways that you can bond with and create memories of your baby, such as naming your baby, washing and clothing the baby, taking photos and footprints, and holding your baby skin-to-skin.  She is also trained in different types of farewell ceremonies you may choose and has the contact information for local resources which can assist you so that you do not have to make those phone calls or searches yourself.

I recently was granted a partial scholarship to become a perinatal loss doula from a perinatal loss doula training organization called Stillbirthday (because even though your baby has died, the day you hold your baby is still his Birth Day).  I hope to complete the training early this fall and believe that I will be the first Stillbirthday-trained Perinatal Loss Doula in the states of Minnesota and Wisconsin.  This is a deeply personal journey for me, as I am myself a loss mom.  My first two pregnancies ended in loss, one at eight weeks and one at eleven weeks.  These two miscarriages were both devastating to me, and so I write about the feelings and experiences of loss from personal experience.  I later experienced two very early miscarriages, just days after two faint positive pregnancy tests.  Those losses were, for me, less painful at the time, though I miss those two babies just as much as the first two.  The decision to become a Stillbirthday perinatal loss doula, however, is to honor a dear friend of mine, whose baby died just after their due date.  I would like to honor their baby, as well as my friend and her family, by helping other families in our area who are saying good-bye to their precious children, at a time that seems all too soon.

If you are in immediate need of a doula to help you cope with the loss of your baby, please contact me or visit the Stillbirthday website.  There are several experienced doulas listed on the site who are available to help you today.

0 Comments

      Sign Up to Get Fertility, Birth & Breastfeeding News & Parenting Tips in Your Inbox

    Subscribe to Currents

    The St. Croix
    Birth Blog
    Blogger

    Christelle J. K. Hagen, HCHD, ICI is a certified birth doula, certified Baby Signs instructor, perinatal loss doula, fertility educator, and the President and Founder of St. Croix Birth & Parenting. Christelle helps mothers develop strategies to get pregnant naturally, give birth with confidence, and succeed when they breastfeed!

    Picture

    Archives

    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    July 2017
    December 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    April 2016
    January 2015
    December 2014
    June 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    July 2013
    June 2013
    November 2012

    Categories

    All
    Attachment Parenting
    Baby
    Baby Care
    Baby Sign
    Baby Sign Language
    Baby Signs
    Birth Stories
    Breastfeeding
    Breastfeeding Counseling
    Comfort Measures
    Doulas
    Ecological Breastfeeding
    Emergencies
    Family
    Family Resources
    Father's Day
    Fertility Matters
    Gift Ideas For Dads
    Herbs
    Homebirth
    Hypnobabies
    Infant Loss
    Infections
    Love
    Marriage
    Midwives
    Miscarriage
    Natural Breastfeeding
    Natural Family Planning
    Natural Fertility
    Natural Mothering
    Nutrition
    Parenting
    Perinatal Loss
    Placental Abruption
    Pre-eclampsia
    Pregnancy
    Reflections
    Stillbirth
    Thrush
    Tiny Treasures
    Tummy Time
    Yeast

    RSS Feed

    Enter Your Email Address to get St. Croix Birth Blog Posts in Your Inbox

    (We don't collect your email address and you won't get anything else from us.)

    Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner

Meet Us

About SCBP

Contact SCBP

Support SCBP


Fertility Clients Members' Area

Pregnant & Birthing Mothers' Area

Breastfeeding Mothers' Area

Copyright 2008-2020 Christelle J. K. Hagen. This website is for educational purposes only. Make sure to consult
​with a midwife or other health care professional about your unique health situation.