It is common to hear “you can always have another” when well-meaning friends or family members are confronted with the news of your loss. Setting aside the fact that there is no guarantee you will get pregnant again, there is the unspoken message that another pregnancy or baby will somehow erase the pain and perhaps even the memory of the baby you lost. In reality, a new pregnancy can be both healing and agonizing. Another pregnancy doesn’t have the magical power to erase the memory of your previous baby, nor can it completely remove the pain of your loss.
There is no need to “move on” or “get over” the loss of your baby. Though he may no longer be with you in this life, his spirit remains. There is no need to try to forget your child who is no longer here; in fact, you will always have a special connection with her by virtue of your motherhood. Likewise, taking joy in the new life you’ve been given doesn’t diminish the memory of your other baby, just as welcoming another baby into a family doesn’t diminish his parents’ love for an older sibling. Love multiplies. Your heart can expand to welcome your new child while continuing to treasure her older siblings, whether they are in this world or the next. Pregnancy after loss is often a frightening experience. When I found myself pregnant the second time, I was scared. It was six months after my first pregnancy – and first loss – and I was anxious. I was so scared to hope. Now, I knew how painful it was to have those blissful hopes utterly, irrevocably dashed. I was scared to attach to the new baby and, to be honest, I never really did. But even so, I lost him. And then I felt guilty and regretful that I never enjoyed Luke while he was alive inside me. All of these emotions – such as anxiety, fear, guilt, and difficulty attaching – are very common in a pregnancy after loss.
Speaking of the birth of your new baby, birth following loss may be different from other birth experiences. The understandable fear you might feel could result in a slower birth. It is also possible to have flashbacks, panic attacks, or to feel dissociated from your body. If at all possible, choose a birth team who understands the complex journey of birth after loss and is fully informed of your previous loss or losses. Due to your location, insurance coverage, or payment issues, the choice of your health care provider may not be completely yours to make; however, if possible, gather more information before settling on your doctor or midwife. Consider requesting a consultation before scheduling your first prenatal appointment. During the consultation, be curious and bring a list of questions with you. Ask what ways the provider supports families with a history of a previous loss during pregnancy or birth. Ask what additional tests or screening procedures are available or expected during your pregnancy or birth due to your history of loss. If the provider has privileges at several facilities, which facility do they recommend as the best choice for you and why? A birth and bereavement doula, who has received comprehensive training in the unique experience of birth after loss, and loss during birth, may also be a great addition to your team. Resources and links are at the end of this post.
Attending trauma-informed therapy sessions during your pregnancy can be of great benefit, especially if your loss occurred during a previous birth experience. While techniques for combatting fear are helpful to all birthing mothers, they are especially important when you’re in the process of welcoming your rainbow baby. If you can, take a birth course specifically designed for birth after loss, so that you can learn special tips and coping strategies unique to your situation.
While you will never be the same as you were before your loss, you can experience healing, hope, and even joy. Life is a beautiful gift. The baby you lost would want you to soak up all the good that you can in this life and also, when that day comes, to reunite with him in the next. Have you experienced a loss? Are you pregnant again? Have you given birth after loss? Your story matters. By sharing, you can help other parents feel less alone. Please share your story by commenting on this post. If you need a listening ear, guidance, support, or someone to walk alongside you as you make this journey, I would love to connect with you. You are not alone! resources for families birthing rainbow babies
LOSS RESOURCES
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Valentine's Day is just a few days away! While the first thing that springs to mind may be romantic love, Valentine's Day is a wonderful time to focus on growing your connection with your little one as well. Toddlers thrive on simple, meaningful activities that engage their senses and strengthen their bond with their parents and other caregivers. I have gathered some simple activities you can easily do with the little ones in your life, while you make some precious memories. crafting A BEE-YOUTIFUL connection
For babies or young toddlers, you can add the details to their footprint to make their bee come alive. Older toddlers and preschoolers will love crafting their bee by themselves! Hint: if you don't have or don't want to use alphabet stickers, you can trace the letters, "BEE MINE," in pencil and have little ones paint over your letters. Fine motor skills, arts and crafts, and writing practice all in one! Saint Valentine love lettersWhile it is entirely possible to celebrate and enjoy Valentine's Day as it is commonly celebrated today, my Christian and Catholic readers will appreciate a faith-based activity you can do with your little ones. Since we're on the topic of "Valentines," did you know that the Saint Valentine, a Roman clergyman from the third century, is still known for writing letters of encouragement to Christians undergoing persecution? This may explain our tradition of writing sweet cards on Valentine's Day to those we love. If you are interested in adding this activity to your special day, talk with your child about people you know who might need some extra encouragement...perhaps a grandparent, a neighbor, residents at a local nursing home, immigrants, or mothers experiencing a difficult or unexpected pregnancy. Write simple messages of encouragement such as "God loves you," "Praying for you," "You are a gift," or "Jesus loves you," and having your child "sign" his name to the card, with a thumbprint, first initial or first name, depending on your child's abilities. Your little ones can also decorate their Saint Valentine cards with hearts, stickers, or stamps. You and your child can then deliver the cards to the intended recipients, bringing them joy, and practicing the virtue of kindness as a family. SENSORY PLAY WITH A HEARTFELT TWISTIf you're hoping to encourage the growth of your little one's attention span; give them an opportunity to explore textures; and practice scooping and pouring; a sensory bin is a great idea. But let's be real...when you've got little ones who may still put things in their mouths, a sensory bin can be a nerve-wracking and potentially dangerous thing! If you can handle it if the littles dump everything out, here's a great idea for a (mostly) edible sensory bin: a cereal bin!
If you want to contain the mess, and you have a big enough box, put the sensory bin and the little ones in the big box. When they're done nibbling, scooping, pouring, and exploring, remove the reusable items and toss, or compost, the remains of the cereal. sweet treats, simple joysSince we're on the topic of food, making heart-shaped treats together is a wonderful way to develop teamwork with your child, while teaching math skills. Valentine's Day and strawberries seem like a natural pair; how about your own home-made, heart-shaped strawberry roll-ups? Yes; please! With only four simple ingredients, this recipe is a great one to make with your little ones. The hardest part for them will be the three to four-hour wait while the mixture dries in the oven. (Hint: fill the time with the other activities we have suggested!) Little ones can measure out and add the ingredients to the food processor, and later, they can cut out the heart-shaped roll-ups with heart cookie cutters. As always, for their safety, make sure you stay with your child throughout this activity. COMMUNICATING LOVE WITH BABY SIGNSGetting out with your little ones to shops or stores around this time of year is a great opportunity to communicate with your child about Valentine's Day. Hearts, flowers, and so many red objects surround and delight your child! Did you know research demonstrates that little ones who use baby sign language learn to communicate more quickly with their parents or caregivers than non-signing babies, and have reduced frustration, because they can talk about the world around and inside them?
The best Valentine's Day activities are the ones that create joyful memories and strengthen family bonds. If you try one or more of these activities, make sure to share how it went in the comments. Use our hashtag #stcroixbirth on social media, so we can share the joy with you and your little ones as you connect on this special day dedicated to love! Note: this post contains affiliate links. Proceeds from your purchases helps us to continue providing free and low-cost services to families in the Twin Cities, Minnesota area, and around the world.
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