WELCOMING A RAINBOW BABY

When I found out I was pregnant for the third time, the first visit with my doctor wasn’t your typical early pregnancy prenatal appointment. I came armed with knowledge, but filled with apprehension. After all, I had lost my first two babies, and still didn’t know the reasons why. I asked if she might prescribe progesterone to help prevent another loss. “Usually,” she informed me, “we wait till someone has had three losses before doing that.” I wasn’t satisfied with this answer. Why wait for someone to endure three losses when something could possibly prevent the third one?

While every pregnancy and birth is an unexpected trip into the unknown, the journey after the loss of a baby (whether before or after birth) may come with especially intense feelings, such as fear, guilt, longing, anxiety, grief, joy, or hope. The parallel experiences of celebrating the new life in your womb or arms, while simultaneously grieving the loss of your previous baby, is a unique challenge.

It is common to hear “you can always have another” when well-meaning friends or family members are confronted with the news of your loss. Setting aside the fact that there is no guarantee you will get pregnant again, there is the unspoken message that another pregnancy or baby will somehow erase the pain and perhaps even the memory of the baby you lost. In reality, a new pregnancy can be both healing and agonizing. Another pregnancy doesn’t have the magical power to erase the memory of your previous baby, nor can it completely remove the pain of your loss.

Feeding my "rainbow baby," my first living baby

After losing two previous pregnancies and trudging through the murky waters of infertility, finding myself pregnant at last felt like a miracle, though a very fragile one. As the months passed, my confidence and hope increased; still, that innocent, carefree expectation of having a living baby (that I had felt during my first pregnancy) was gone forever. When I finally held my newborn baby girl in my arms, after a very long birth, I found myself tearfully rejoicing with the words: “We waited so long for you.” I cannot begin to fully describe the joy and unimaginable unworthiness I felt at the immense gift of holding my own living child in my arms. However, Kate and Luke, our first two babies, will never be forgotten. I wait in hope to see them face to face one day.

There is no need to “move on” or “get over” the loss of your baby. Though he may no longer be with you in this life, his spirit remains. There is no need to try to forget your child who is no longer here; in fact, you will always have a special connection with her by virtue of your motherhood. Likewise, taking joy in the new life you’ve been given doesn’t diminish the memory of your other baby, just as welcoming another baby into a family doesn’t diminish his parents’ love for an older sibling. Love multiplies. Your heart can expand to welcome your new child while continuing to treasure her older siblings, whether they are in this world or the next.

Pregnancy after loss is often a frightening experience. When I found myself pregnant the second time, I was scared. It was six months after my first pregnancy – and first loss – and I was anxious. I was so scared to hope. Now, I knew how painful it was to have those blissful hopes utterly, irrevocably dashed. I was scared to attach to the new baby and, to be honest, I never really did. But even so, I lost him. And then I felt guilty and regretful that I never enjoyed Luke while he was alive inside me. All of these emotions – such as anxiety, fear, guilt, and difficulty attaching – are very common in a pregnancy after loss.

Sadly, I didn’t have much support, but thankfully, support is available to help you with these incredibly challenging emotions. Prayer, journaling, support groups, and therapy can all be of benefit as you navigate this complex journey. As a specially trained and certified birth & bereavement doula, I am available to listen and support you, whether by phone, text, or messaging, or even, possibly, to accompany you during your upcoming birth.

Speaking of the birth of your new baby, birth following loss may be different from other birth experiences. The understandable fear you might feel could result in a slower birth. It is also possible to have flashbacks, panic attacks, or to feel dissociated from your body. If at all possible, choose a birth team who understands the complex journey of birth after loss and is fully informed of your previous loss or losses.

Due to your location, insurance coverage, or payment issues, the choice of your health care provider may not be completely yours to make; however, if possible, gather more information before settling on your doctor or midwife. Consider requesting a consultation before scheduling your first prenatal appointment. During the consultation, be curious and bring a list of questions with you. Ask what ways the provider supports families with a history of a previous loss during pregnancy or birth. Ask what additional tests or screening procedures are available or expected during your pregnancy or birth due to your history of loss. If the provider has privileges at several facilities, which facility do they recommend as the best choice for you and why? A birth and bereavement doula, who has received comprehensive training in the unique experience of birth after loss, and loss during birth, may also be a great addition to your team. Resources and links are at the end of this post.

The baby or babies you lost can also be considered unseen members of your “birth team.” As Catholics, my husband and I asked for our miscarried children to pray for us and their new siblings throughout my pregnancies. They were our very own heavenly “prayer team.” During the pregnancy, we also asked for a special blessing from our priest. What are some ways to include your "angel baby" or your faith in your current pregnancy? Please share your ideas in the comments for other families!

Attending trauma-informed therapy sessions during your pregnancy can be of great benefit, especially if your loss occurred during a previous birth experience. While techniques for combatting fear are helpful to all birthing mothers, they are especially important when you’re in the process of welcoming your rainbow baby. If you can, take a birth course specifically designed for birth after loss, so that you can learn special tips and coping strategies unique to your situation.

Example of a Sign for the Door to your Birth Room

It may be meaningful for you to set up a memorial of your first baby in the birthing room, so that you can honor your previous baby while welcoming your new baby. Some parents place a special sign on the door to the birthing room so that all who enter are aware of what you’ve gone through. Hopefully this will prevent uncomfortable or painful questions or statements that may otherwise trigger a strong emotional reaction.

While you will never be the same as you were before your loss, you can experience healing, hope, and even joy. Life is a beautiful gift. The baby you lost would want you to soak up all the good that you can in this life and also, when that day comes, to reunite with him in the next.

Have you experienced a loss? Are you pregnant again? Have you given birth after loss? Your story matters. By sharing, you can help other parents feel less alone. Please share your story by commenting on this post. If you need a listening ear, guidance, support, or someone to walk alongside you as you make this journey, I would love to connect with you. You are not alone!

resources for families birthing rainbow babies

• Birth Doula Services from St Croix Birth & Parenting (for Twin Cities, Minnesota area families or traveling doula services with pre-arrangement)
• Star Legacy Foundation's Pregnancy after Loss Classes
• Birth and bereavement doulas​
• Catholic birth and bereavement doulas​

LOSS RESOURCES

• Tiny Treasures Perinatal Loss Support: provides care packages for families experiencing, facing, or having survived the loss of a baby; ships appropriately sized baby clothing to families experiencing loss at any stage of pregnancy, during birth, and early in infancy at no cost; online retreats for loss families
• Resources for Catholic parents facing the loss of a baby​