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3/20/2025

WELCOMING A RAINBOW BABY

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When I found out I was pregnant for the third time, the first visit with my doctor wasn’t your typical early pregnancy prenatal appointment. I came armed with knowledge, but filled with apprehension. After all, I had lost my first two babies, and still didn’t know the reasons why. I asked if she might prescribe progesterone to help prevent another loss. “Usually,” she informed me, “we wait till someone has had three losses before doing that.” I wasn’t satisfied with this answer. Why wait for someone to endure three losses when something could possibly prevent the third one?
While every pregnancy and birth is an unexpected trip into the unknown, the journey after the loss of a baby (whether before or after birth) may come with especially intense feelings, such as fear, guilt, longing, anxiety, grief, joy, or hope. The parallel experiences of celebrating the new life in your womb or arms, while simultaneously grieving the loss of your previous baby, is a unique challenge.
It is common to hear “you can always have another” when well-meaning friends or family members are confronted with the news of your loss. Setting aside the fact that there is no guarantee you will get pregnant again, there is the unspoken message that another pregnancy or baby will somehow erase the pain and perhaps even the memory of the baby you lost. In reality, a new pregnancy can be both healing and agonizing. Another pregnancy doesn’t have the magical power to erase the memory of your previous baby, nor can it completely remove the pain of your loss.
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Feeding my "rainbow baby," my first living baby
After losing two previous pregnancies and trudging through the murky waters of infertility, finding myself pregnant at last felt like a miracle, though a very fragile one. As the months passed, my confidence and hope increased; still, that innocent, carefree expectation of having a living baby (that I had felt during my first pregnancy) was gone forever. When I finally held my newborn baby girl in my arms, after a very long birth, I found myself tearfully rejoicing with the words: “We waited so long for you.” I cannot begin to fully describe the joy and unimaginable unworthiness I felt at the immense gift of holding my own living child in my arms. However, Kate and Luke, our first two babies, will never be forgotten. I wait in hope to see them face to face one day.
There is no need to “move on” or “get over” the loss of your baby. Though he may no longer be with you in this life, his spirit remains. There is no need to try to forget your child who is no longer here; in fact, you will always have a special connection with her by virtue of your motherhood. Likewise, taking joy in the new life you’ve been given doesn’t diminish the memory of your other baby, just as welcoming another baby into a family doesn’t diminish his parents’ love for an older sibling. Love multiplies. Your heart can expand to welcome your new child while continuing to treasure her older siblings, whether they are in this world or the next.
Pregnancy after loss is often a frightening experience. When I found myself pregnant the second time, I was scared. It was six months after my first pregnancy – and first loss – and I was anxious. I was so scared to hope. Now, I knew how painful it was to have those blissful hopes utterly, irrevocably dashed. I was scared to attach to the new baby and, to be honest, I never really did. But even so, I lost him. And then I felt guilty and regretful that I never enjoyed Luke while he was alive inside me. All of these emotions – such as anxiety, fear, guilt, and difficulty attaching – are very common in a pregnancy after loss.
Sadly, I didn’t have much support, but thankfully, support is available to help you with these incredibly challenging emotions. Prayer, journaling, support groups, and therapy can all be of benefit as you navigate this complex journey. As a specially trained and certified birth & bereavement doula, I am available to listen and support you, whether by phone, text, or messaging, or even, possibly, to accompany you during your upcoming birth.
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Speaking of the birth of your new baby, birth following loss may be different from other birth experiences. The understandable fear you might feel could result in a slower birth. It is also possible to have flashbacks, panic attacks, or to feel dissociated from your body. If at all possible, choose a birth team who understands the complex journey of birth after loss and is fully informed of your previous loss or losses.
Due to your location, insurance coverage, or payment issues, the choice of your health care provider may not be completely yours to make; however, if possible, gather more information before settling on your doctor or midwife. Consider requesting a consultation before scheduling your first prenatal appointment. During the consultation, be curious and bring a list of questions with you. Ask what ways the provider supports families with a history of a previous loss during pregnancy or birth. Ask what additional tests or screening procedures are available or expected during your pregnancy or birth due to your history of loss. If the provider has privileges at several facilities, which facility do they recommend as the best choice for you and why? A birth and bereavement doula, who has received comprehensive training in the unique experience of birth after loss, and loss during birth, may also be a great addition to your team. Resources and links are at the end of this post.
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The baby or babies you lost can also be considered unseen members of your “birth team.” As Catholics, my husband and I asked for our miscarried children to pray for us and their new siblings throughout my pregnancies. They were our very own heavenly “prayer team.” During the pregnancy, we also asked for a special blessing from our priest. What are some ways to include your "angel baby" or your faith in your current pregnancy? Please share your ideas in the comments for other families!
Attending trauma-informed therapy sessions during your pregnancy can be of great benefit, especially if your loss occurred during a previous birth experience. While techniques for combatting fear are helpful to all birthing mothers, they are especially important when you’re in the process of welcoming your rainbow baby. If you can, take a birth course specifically designed for birth after loss, so that you can learn special tips and coping strategies unique to your situation.
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Example of a Sign for the Door to your Birth Room
It may be meaningful for you to set up a memorial of your first baby in the birthing room, so that you can honor your previous baby while welcoming your new baby. Some parents place a special sign on the door to the birthing room so that all who enter are aware of what you’ve gone through. Hopefully this will prevent uncomfortable or painful questions or statements that may otherwise trigger a strong emotional reaction.
While you will never be the same as you were before your loss, you can experience healing, hope, and even joy. Life is a beautiful gift. The baby you lost would want you to soak up all the good that you can in this life and also, when that day comes, to reunite with him in the next.
Have you experienced a loss? Are you pregnant again? Have you given birth after loss? Your story matters. By sharing, you can help other parents feel less alone. Please share your story by commenting on this post. If you need a listening ear, guidance, support, or someone to walk alongside you as you make this journey, I would love to connect with you. You are not alone!

resources for families birthing rainbow babies

  • Birth Doula Services from St Croix Birth & Parenting (for Twin Cities, Minnesota area families or traveling doula services with pre-arrangement)
  • Star Legacy Foundation's Pregnancy after Loss Classes
  • Birth and bereavement doulas​
  • Catholic birth and bereavement doulas​

LOSS RESOURCES

  • Tiny Treasures Perinatal Loss Support: provides care packages for families experiencing, facing, or having survived the loss of a baby; ships appropriately sized baby clothing to families experiencing loss at any stage of pregnancy, during birth, and early in infancy at no cost; online retreats for loss families
  • Resources for Catholic parents facing the loss of a baby​

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10/1/2022

7 WAYS TO SUPPORT A FAMILY WHO HAS HAD A PREGNANCY LOSS

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October brings cooler weather, pumpkin spice everything, the excitement of Spooky Season...and Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. As a bereaved mother of multiples and certified birth and bereavement doula, I want to share some tips for loved ones who want to support parents mourning the loss of their babies.
First, a little of my own story. As newlyweds who weren't trying to conceive, my husband and I weren't expecting to become pregnant only six months into our marriage, but I was thrilled. I recall announcing my pregnancy to my employer and being scolded for breaking the unspoken rule (of which I was unaware!) that you shouldn't tell people you're pregnant until you have passed the somehow magical twelve-week point of pregnancy. (The truth is pregnancies do end after twelve weeks -- and unannounced earlier losses aren't necessarily any easier to live through...alone.) 
Just a few weeks after my pregnancy announcement, I noticed I was bleeding. Immediately seeking medical care, I was devastated when I was informed that the embryo had not formed after implantation. Sadly, our tiny first baby had died very early in development. We were the first of our friends to get married and certainly the first to lose a baby, and I felt quite alone during that loss. Thankfully, I received support from our midwife and a local organization that still supports families going through pregnancy loss.
When someone you know has announced their pregnancy, only to find out at some future time that their baby's life (or babies' lives) have ended before or during birth, it can be a confusing situation for loved ones. You might wonder what to say or do, and what not to say and do. Every bereaved parent grieves differently and has different needs, so the best practice is simply to ask, "What can I do for you?" However, in the midst of the fog and pain of grief, it can be difficult for bereaved parents to come up with any concrete answers to this question, so here are some general principles that are a good place to start. You can remember these tips with the acronym: SUPPORT.
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  • Spiritual support
  • Use the baby's name
  • Physical support
  • Patience and listening
  • Organize help
  • Remembrances / mementoes
  • Talk about the baby
SPIRITUAL SUPPORT. Parents who have lost a child or baby have a real need for their spiritual community to encircle them with heartfelt prayers of blessing, sorrow, and hope; practical service; reflective listening; and genuine caring. As I was before my first pregnancy, many new parents may be blissfully unaware that pregnancies don't always result in gender reveal parties, glamorous baby bump photos, and picture-perfect nurseries, but instead end in physical pain, uncomfortable procedures, and a grave. Such a shock can be a significant challenge to their faith. Are they being punished for something they did in the past? How could a loving God allow them to live through such pain? Does God even care about what they are going through? The bereaved family has a right to experience their spiritual community (or even a loving friend of faith, if the family is not a member of a faith community) to accompany them through their grief. To assure them they are not being punished for past sins or mistakes. That God is with them in their grief. That He weeps with them. And please, unless you are truly a prophet with some extraordinary revelation, do not make the mistake of falsely promising that God will give them a baby in the future. Such false promises only ease your own discomfort at walking with this family's grief and can be a future source of pain and even loss of faith if the "prophecy" fails to come true.
USE THE BABY'S NAME. While not all bereaved parents may choose a name for the baby who has passed away, it can be healing to do so. If they do choose a name, it is healing to their hearts to hear you use the baby's name. For example, "Can I see Talia's ultrasound photos?" or "Where is Easton's grave? I'd like to visit." Losing a baby is a unique pain because there may be very few or even no physical reminders of his or her existence once the loss is complete. There may be no birth certificate, no gravesite if the loss was early, no birth photos, perhaps not even any clothes or diapers left behind. Using the child's name assures the parents that their child did exist, although his or her life was brief. Using the baby's name is a way to demonstrate that you are bearing the burden of grief with the parent; he or she doesn't have to be the only person to bear witness to the unique value of the child's life. And if the parents do not choose a name, I suggest you refer to their child as "your baby" rather than clinical or dehumanizing terms such as "the fetus," "the product of conception," "the embryo," or "it."
PHYSICAL SUPPORT. In the early days, weeks, or months, the trauma of loss may be very intense. Help the family with physical needs such as providing water bottles, food and meals, gift cards for food (or gas cards if the mother is hospitalized for an extended time), doing laundry, or cleaning house. However, do not try to be "helpful" by cleaning out the baby's nursery or putting away the baby's things, unless specifically asked to do so by the parents. While it will likely be painful for them to see the nursery or baby's clothes, toys, or other gear, it can be an important part of the healing process to live with these things for awhile as it helps assure them that the baby did live for a short while, even though he or she is no longer alive. When they are emotionally ready, it can be an important step in the parents' healing to personally be the ones to decide to put baby's items away or let them go. Don't try to hurry this step along without being asked by them, and thus rob them of what could be important steps in their healing journey.
PATIENCE AND LISTENING. Be sensitive that grief for a baby may last a long time, longer than you expect. Avoid platitudes or cliches such as "you can have another;" "time heals all wounds;" or false beliefs such as "God took the baby because He needed another angel." Instead, listen, hand out tissues to catch tears, and offer a hug. Affirm the parents' feelings. "You sound really mad; that would make me mad, too." "You really needed someone to be there for you; I'm sorry I couldn't be there. I'm here now." "It sounds like you really miss not only the baby, but all the things you wanted to do with him / her." "You sound like you feel guilty about ..." Do your best to not judge the parents' feelings. Encourage them to get help from a trained mental health professional or spiritual counselor if they begin to seem overwhelmed by their grief. Offer to drive them to appointments as it can be difficult to do things like driving or finding new places when you are in the midst of deep grief and possibly a mental health crisis.
ORGANIZE HELP. In coordination with your faith community, school community, neighborhood, workplace, or social club, organize help for the family with things like childcare for any older children, meals / meal trains and household help. If organizing things is not your strength, recruit someone who is good at it! Little by little, with healing and good support, the family will be able to resume these activities, but in the meantime, you can make a huge difference for this family.
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REMEMBRANCES / MEMENTOES. When you hear that your loved one has experienced a loss, give or send them a sympathy card, care package, plant, candle, journal, and / or something personalized with the baby's name. Later, send them a card or note on important milestone dates such as the baby's due date (or birth date if it was an infant loss) or the date he or she passed away or passed into the world. Such mementoes become tangible reminders of the child's life and may be very important to the parents in the months and even years to come. A ministry I founded, Tiny Treasures Perinatal Loss Support will ship a care package upon request, without cost, to any family experiencing a loss or surviving a loss anywhere in the United States.
TALK ABOUT THE BABY. A common myth is that you shouldn't talk about the baby because it will remind the parents about their child and make them sad. Trust me; they won't forget their child. Early in the grieving process, the bereaved parent will frequently be consumed by thoughts of their baby and the loss. As the grief journey matures, thoughts of the child will gradually become less frequent, but hearing that you still remember him or her will likely be very comforting to them. Bereaved parents need to know that their baby's life mattered and that they do not hold the sole burden of remembering this tiny, and very important, life.
It has been many years since my first loss, and since then, I have had the blessing of seven living children, and the sorrow of several other losses. Thankfully, compared to my first loss of Kate Leilani in 1998, I experienced so much more awareness and support by my friends and community when I suffered the loss of my baby, Anais Zelie, in 2016. Hopefully, this list of practical ways to SUPPORT your loved one will help you so you can accompany your loved one through the loss of their precious baby. Comment below and let me know if this list was helpful to you! What would you add?

RESOURCES FOR FAMILIES EXPERIENCING PREGNANCY OR INFANT LOSS

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Tiny Treasures Perinatal Loss Support. An all-volunteer ministry that makes and provides appropriately-sized clothing for babies who pass away at any stage of pregnancy, during birth, or early in infancy. Tiny Treasures ships bereavement clothing and layettes to hospitals, health care providers, faith communities, or grief support organizations. Upon request by a bereaved parent or loved one, Tiny Treasures will ship a care package to any family experiencing loss anywhere in the United States. There is no cost to any loss family for goods or services, although financial gifts are appreciated.
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Tiny Treasures Wave of Light Retreat. Every year on October 15, (Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day) in collaboration with the Respect Life Committees of the Churches of St. Michael, St. Mary, and St. Charles (Stillwater, MN) Tiny Treasures hosts a Wave of Light healing retreat for families who have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss. Contact Christelle Hagen for more information.
Halos of the St. Croix Valley. For St. Croix Valley residents in Minnesota and Wisconsin, and Twin Cities area residents, Halos provides emotional and financial support for families experiencing the loss of a child at any point from pregnancy through age 20.
Catholic Miscarriage Support. A website with practical resources for Catholics about miscarriage and links to sources of support, for miscarriage and stillbirth, throughout the USA.

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1/24/2014

Clothing and Other Resources for Families Experiencing Loss

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Health Foundations Birth Center (St. Paul, MN) recently published a great list of local, regional, and national organizations ready to help families facing loss.

To add to their list, please keep in mind St. Croix Birth & Parenting.  The Tiny Treasures Love Cupboard is now open!  A Love Cupboard is a clothing donation program for families experiencing loss, run by volunteer coordinators, and sponsored by Stillbirthday.  What will families find in the Tiny Treasures Love Cupboard?  Families facing and experiencing loss will find a variety of hand-made tiny/micro-preemie, preemie, newborn and small infant clothes and baby blankets in both gender-neutral, boy, and girl styles, made by Team Tiny Treasures, a group of talented volunteers who knit, crochet, and sew.  The clothes can be used in the interim, if the length of the baby's life is uncertain; or to dress the baby after he or she has passed away.  We also provide maternity clothes for families facing financial difficulties--common when your pregnancy is high-risk.  Here are some examples of lovely donations available now to receiving families, and made by members of Team Tiny Treasures:
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  • A family who has learned that their baby will be born via miscarriage can find a tiny, hand-crocheted hooded bunting in which they can place their baby once he or she is born

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  • A friend of a family who has experienced a miscarriage can visit and pick up a sweet hand-knit kimono and bonnet for the baby

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  • A mother who has learned that her daughter has died early in the second trimester can visit and choose a dainty hand-crocheted dress and bonnet for the baby, so that she has an outfit ready, in a small enough size, for her daughter when she is born

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  • A grandmother can pick out a hand-knit kimono, baby booties, and baby hat for her larger preterm grandson

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  • A father can contact us to ship this sweet gown and bonnet to his family, so that his full-term, newborn daughter can wear an outfit crocheted with love and prayers for her funeral

Team Tiny Treasures would love to expand!  We are especially looking for additional seamstresses who can make bereavement diapers and tiny shrouds/wraps for miscarried babies.  We are also in need of additional crocheted burial cocoons.  Patterns are available from St. Croix Birth & Parenting.  We would especially love to welcome jewelry makers who would be willing to make matching mom/baby bracelets.  If you aren't the crafty type, financial gifts are always welcome which we will use to purchase items for memory baskets or to ship items to families who are located out of the area, or families who cannot visit the Tiny Treasures room.  Gifts of new or like-new baby clothes up to size 0-3 months and gently used maternity clothes are also welcome!  Contact us for more information, to volunteer, or to donate items.

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    Christelle J. K. Hagen, BfNAE, ICI, SBD is a certified birth doula, certified Baby Signs instructor, Certified Birth & Bereavement Doula, fertility educator, and the President and Founder of St. Croix Birth & Parenting. Christelle helps mothers develop strategies to get pregnant naturally, give birth with confidence, and succeed when they breastfeed!
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    "Blessed are those who trust in the Lord, whose trust is in the Lord. They shall be like a tree planted by water, sending out its roots by the stream. It shall not fear when heat comes, and its leaves stay green; In the year of drought it is not anxious, and it does not cease to bear fruit." ~Jeremiah 17:7-8 (NRSV-CE)

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