 I had the opportunity to answer questions and answers about Bonding with Baby yesterday at the free online SuperMoms-in-Training Summit. It was a great experience! Since the actual recording is reserved for summit participants, here's a recap of what I discussed. To bond with baby (as well as older children!) I suggest new parents look into attachment parenting (AP). I would argue that AP is simply instinctive parenting that has been practiced since the beginning of the human race, but it has been promoted in recent decades by Dr. William Sears and his wife, Martha Sears, RN. In their book, Attachment Parenting,* the Searses promote the "Seven B's" of AP:
In my Summit Q & A, I discussed a little bit about each of these practices. One reason I encourage mothers to work toward a natural, unmedicated birth without routine interventions is because such a birth usually provides the best conditions for normal breastfeeding, and breastfeeding is an important factor in bonding. Another important part of Birth Bonding is skin-to-skin contact between mom and baby -- and also dad and baby! And skin-to-skin is something you can do with your baby anytime, not just at birth. Research suggests that Breastfeeding is an important factor in mother-baby bonding. It's important to add that breastfeeding doesn't guarantee bonding, and other feeding choices certainly don't prevent bonding! However, breastfeeding releases bonding hormones in baby and mother, and is known as an important factor in bonding. There was a question about what can be done to prepare for breastfeeding during pregnancy. Make sure to get a lactation consultant lined up before you have a need! If needed, it is much easier to make a call for help to someone with whom you have already established a relationship than cold calling in what might feel like a very emergent situation. A second suggestion I have is to make sure you take a good breastfeeding preparation class! The third B is Babywearing. Babies who are "worn" (carried in a sling or infant carrier) cry less and are perceived as "easier" / happier babies. This can make bonding easier. In addition to babywearing, I also recommend Infant Massage! Infant massage is a wonderful way to promote your baby's physical and emotional health while growing in your bond. I spoke the longest about the fourth B: Bed Sharing because many have concerns about bedsharing safety. It is important to follow safe bed sharing guidelines! If bedsharing isn't something that you are interested in doing, it can be beneficial to sleep close to baby, for example, with baby in a "sidecar" arrangement or with bassinette in your room. I add Baby Sign language to the fifth B: Belief in the signal value of a Baby's Cries. The parent or caregiver recognizes that babies want to communicate their needs and it is our job to observe our babies and learn what their signals mean. Baby Sign language facilitates this process by giving babies a way to communicate their needs, thoughts, and emotions before they are able to speak! A mom asked how many signs to start with. I responded to say that in my Baby Signs classes (designed for babies 6-24 months), I teach about 6 signs per week and that seems to be enough variety without overwhelm. I also recommend starting with the mealtime signs because this is such an important area where parents and babies need to communicate every day! Similar to the Bedsharing B, I recognize that "Beware of Baby Trainers" is one of the more controversial AP practices. To make this less confrontational, I like to explain this one as avoiding those practices that force you to be less responsive to your baby. For example, there are some methods that are designed to "train" a baby not to cry...ever. This is the kind of practice that should be avoided if you want to practice AP, because it interferes with the previous B: recognizing the signal value of a baby's cries. (This B does not mean using gentle methods of weaning or helping your toddler learn to sleep through the night at an appropriate age. Of course all children should wean from the breast and sleep through the night!) The final B, which in my opinion is the most important, is Balance and Boundaries. Parents who gravitate to AP tend to be (like me haha) Type A perfectionists. It is important to be gentle with yourself and make sure your own needs are met: physical, emotional, social, and spiritual. AP can be intense and it is something that requires a lot of energy and commitment for the long-haul. You absolutely need to meet your own needs to be a long-term AP parent. You matter! And your baby does, too! Blessings to you and your baby.
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One of my most popular posts in this blog is about ecological breastfeeding. Earlier this year, I was asked by Natural Family Planning International to produce a short video about ecological breastfeeding. I wrote the video, filmed it, acted in it, and edited it. This was a fun experience and I hope to produce more parenting videos in the future! Contact me or comment below if you have ideas for parenting videos, or questions I can answer with a video! Because they go by kind of fast, here are the Seven Standards of Ecological Breastfeeding:
Do you have comments or questions about ecological breastfeeding (sometimes called eco-breastfeeding)? Do you have eco-bfing experiences to share? Comment below!
8/12/2021 supporting new MOTHERs during a loCkdown: a guide for friends and extended familyRead Now A mothers' group: the good old days? The coronavirus pandemic has changed life as most of us once experienced it. Many areas of the world are in lockdown, and even in areas where things have opened up, as the number of COVID-19 cases spikes again, we will likely face more social distancing measures or quarantines to try to slow the spread (if we aren't already). For some new mothers, this slower, more home-based pace of life has been a good thing. These moms report that being quarantined with their babies has helped them breastfeed, since - just to mention one thing - being separated from a nursing baby tends to make maintaining a milk supply more challenging and if nothing else, lockdown gives us lots and lots of time with our immediate family members. But in other and important ways, social isolation is not great for new mothers. Many important services that mothers need, including lactation help, have been more difficult or impossible to access during lockdown. Aside from access to healthcare, all mothers need other mothers, friends, sisters, cousins, grandmothers, aunts...we need our sisters and our sage femmes to let us know we're not alone; we're loved; we're doing a good-enough job; our kids are normal (usually); and, if they're not, to have faith that eventually, this too shall pass. Lockdowns put a lock on these face-to-face and side-by-side moments...natural social interactions which normally serve to lower our stress levels and restore us - "enhope" us. And all this goes quadruple for new mothers. Dealing with lochia, sore nipples, night feeds, blow outs, the constant guessing games that a newborn brings (a/k/a no instruction manual), keeping a brand new non-verbal human thriving and growing, and caring for everything "down there" is just a lot. In some idealized past, we imagine our ancestral mothers got to lie around while their loving, supportive kin waited on them hand and foot. Sure, maybe that happened sometime, somewhere, but envying our long-departed great-great-grandmother's "lying in" is not really going to help you get through this painful feed, on this lonely day, at this ungodly hour. So let's break this down. New mothers have physical needs. Food, water, monster sized maternity pads (in the beginning), menstrual pads later on, baths or showers, and (eventually) clean clothes. If you love her, ask about these things. If she needs something, help or ask someone else to help. Leave things on her porch, in her mailbox, send it unaccompanied up the elevator, or throw it through her window if you have to! (Or you could just give to the baby's dad, but that's not as fun.) If she's good with her physical needs, I guarantee she has emotional needs. Call and ask about her birth. Listen. Bite your tongue if you find yourself starting any sentence with the words "at least." Listen. Celebrate the good stuff with her. Mourn with her anything she found sad. Share her anger if anything made her mad. Don't tell her what she should have done differently. Listen. Are you listening? Keep listening. No matter what, make sure to let her know how amazing she is. No one in the history of the world had her birth. It was her adventure and she is a heroine for having done it! Call another time and ask how things are going with the baby. Celebrate the joys. Mourn the things that aren't going so well with her. Did I mention don't tell her she should have done anything differently? She is probably already beating herself up about something. If her baby is growing and developing, she's doing a great job. Tell her. If her baby is struggling, offer to help. If she's got other kids, depending on your local situation, you might be able to have someone in mom's social bubble bring the baby's older siblings somewhere outside for a socially distanced / masked playdate so she can visit (whether in-person or virtual) with the doctor, or the chiropractor, or the lactation consultant, or whoever it is she thinks can help. Moms grow in confidence and feel capable when the people around them support their decisions about their baby's care. Be that person (even if you secretly disagree). Being a great friend / sister / mother / mother-in-law, etc., means supporting the new mom's efforts to become a mother, a big part of which is taking responsibility for her baby. And chances are very good that if the baby continues to struggle, even after that visit with [insert name here] she will try something else, and something else, and something else, and maybe, when she's tried everything else, she may even ask you for your advice! Now is your moment. A few days or a week later, call her again. And then again. And yet again. And pretty soon she will blossom and her tiny baby will become a chunky monkey, roll over and crawl and take his first steps, and life will settle and she will never forget that you were there, on the sidelines, cheering her on the whole time. Maybe you never carried a meal to her bedside on a solid-gold tray, but you were there. And maybe she'll tell her great-great-granddaughters about you and how you were there for her when great-grandpa was born, during the time of the world coronavirus pandemic. ways st. croix birth & Parenting can help
Quick Baby Rubdown! 3 minute massage for baby. Easy to fit in after a bath or to relax baby before bedtime. Infant Massage has many benefits for your baby, including better mental health into adulthood! This video is a mini version of the full body infant massage in our Infant Massage Basics class! Check our schedule for our next online class. Contact us to register! This video is intended for educational purposes only. Please consult your baby's doctor or medical care provider for specific advice about the care of your baby. It is not recommended that you use any oil on babies under 6 weeks of age. Consult with a certified aromatherapist or your baby's doctor concerning the use of essential oils on babies younger than three months old.
c. Christelle Hagen 2021 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Music Credits: Birthday Musician: LiQWID URL: http://soundcloud.com/liqwid Rock your baby's tummy time by using a large ball! Rock 'n' Roll Your Baby (Tummy Time Activity Video #3) explains how to:
This video is intended for educational purposes only. Please consult your baby's doctor or medical care provider for specific advice about the care of your baby. Always follow any baby carrier's instructions for safe babywearing and ensure baby's airway is straight so they can breathe freely. Music Credits
Chill Musician: LIQWID URL: http://soundcloud.com/liqwid Ice Cream Musician: Ilya Truhanov URL: https://icons8.co/music Lazy Day Musician: Jason Shaw URL: https://audionautix.com/ Sweet Musician: LIQWID URL: http://soundcloud.com/liqwid I am so excited to share my new breastfeeding video! In the video I introduce the viewer to St. Croix Birth & Parenting's Breastfeed {Naturally} community and BfN's FREE online course for mothers preparing to breastfeed that I developed this summer, called "Succeed When You Breastfeed." The SWYB course is jam-packed with great natural mama info--I am so proud of it! My first students are joining the course now, and I couldn't be more pleased. Check out my video--and let me know what you think! Sign up for our newsletter, Currents, if you're interested in getting a link to "Succeed When You Breastfeed." What is Ecological Breastfeeding?
It must be noted that ALL breastmilk and any way a mother feeds her baby is good. Whether directly from the breast, from an eye dropper, dripped from a spoon, squirted with a syringe, dribbled out of a cup, or sucked out of a bottle--as the saying goes, "breast is best." The Seven Standards aren't intended to be a measure of whether or not you are "mom enough" (as the now famous TIME magazine cover challenged). There are seven "standards" because ecological breastfeeding is a means of spacing babies. As such, there are rules ("standards") to be followed. If the standards are followed, most women will experience completely natural infertility (for, on average, about 14-15 months after birth) as her body focuses on growing her babe in arms. She will neither ovulate nor menstruate during this time of natural infertility. Until mature eggs are released, there is no chance of pregnancy. As more time passes from birth, the more likely it is that a mother will begin to ovulate again. Studies of ecological breastfeeding mothers have shown that the actual rates of pregnancy are virtually zero from 0-3 months; 2% from 3-6 months, and about 6% after 6 months, assuming the mother has not experienced bleeding or spotting on two or more consecutive days. Eventually, full fertility returns and in the natural order of things, within the context of a normal marital relationship, and with nothing but ecological breastfeeding, babies will come about every two to three years. ...But if natural infertility--babies spaced without charting, abstinence, barriers, medications or devices--isn't something you desire, then ecological breastfeeding isn't for you.
Kippley’s Ecological Breastfeeding Program sets the stage as much as possible for successful breastfeeding. While it is not for every family, it certainly would benefit some families who are unlikely to hear of it. Unfortunately, natural breastfeeding continues to be viewed not only as a countercultural relic of the days of the cave woman, but it is also the best kept secret as a means to naturally space children, even in natural family planning circles.
Am I adding to the guilt? I hope not. My aim is to let mothers and couples know about the most natural form of breastfeeding so they have the option of choosing it, if it is right for them.
Natural breastfeeding moms need to come out of the closet, or more accurately, get out of the house! …and let the world know about this most beautiful way to space babies. To that end, in the coming weeks, I will describe in detail each of Kippley’s Seven Standards and present evidence-based information and personal anecdotes about each of them. I will follow this up with a series of posts explaining what moms, dads, relatives, employees, employers, clergy, and others can do to promote and support breastfeeding within your walls. Make sure to come back in the coming weeks to learn what you can do to encourage the spread of information about natural breastfeeding, to help promote healthier and happier families, mothers, and babies. Or get my posts directly in your email inbox by subscribing to them in the box in the side column of this blog! Photo Attribution
"Kabala mother" by John Atherton - originally posted to Flickr as New baby and proud mother, Kabala, Sierra Leone (West Africa). Licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0 via Wikimedia Commons - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Kabala_mother.jpg#mediaviewer/File:Kabala_mother.jpg
The one and only reason we even knew about attachment parenting in those early days was exposure to these ideas through the Couple to Couple League, the organization that taught us Natural Family Planning. Although CCL has changed, at that time, it was heavily influenced by La Leche League and its teachings about "natural mothering." While CCL wasn't the only voice promoting 'natural mothering,' it was the only one in our circles. While the Couple to Couple League may have distanced itself from "natural mothering," there are now many other voices advocating attachment parenting in general, or aspects of it: notably, Dr. William and Martha Sears, Mothering.com, Dr. James McKenna, the La Leche League, Attachment Parenting International, Dr. Nils Bergman, and Dr. Jack Newman. Notice all the doctors in there? Attachment parenting is no longer the exclusive territory of hippie housewives. (Maybe it never was, but it is good to see all the amazing docs out there finding the research and doing the writing and promoting to support the fact that mothers and babies are meant to be together.) I'm a firm believer that parents have been given, by God, the right and the responsibility to raise their children in the way that seems best to them, in their circumstances, with their unique mix of personalities, resources, community and culture. It saddens me just as much now as it did back then, that simply because I might choose to parent my child a bit differently than someone else, this may somehow be perceived as a judgment against them. I believe that most parents are doing the best they can raising their children, using the information and resources they have.
The Searses teach what they call the seven "b's" of attachment parenting: birth bonding; breastfeeding; babywearing; bedding close to baby; belief in the signal value of baby's cry; beware of baby trainers; and balance. If you are curious about any of these aspects of attachment parenting (or all of it!), what follows is my review of attachment parenting, as used within our family for the past thirteen years.  The Joyful Moment just after birth Birth bonding? I've done it six times! This one is pretty well accepted in American society, at least for vaginal births. But in case you've just emerged from subterranean life, bonding at birth makes breastfeeding easier and positively impacts the relationship between mother and baby for years to come, as well as helping to prepare your baby for healthy relationships with others. Having a doula present at your birth and after can be a great resource in helping you bond with baby, both because she can give you helpful bonding tips, as well as run errands so you and your spouse can focus on getting to know your baby. Most articles about birth bonding are quick to point out that missing bonding at birth doesn't doom you to a distant relationship with your child or curse your child to become the next dictator. So what to do if you miss that early bonding? Well, besides this little hug, pictured at the left, I missed early bonding with my little son, who had serious complications at birth and spent his first fifteen days in the NICU, only able to nurse for the first time about a week after birth. I am delighted to say that we both persevered and he's a happy, healthy, exclusively breastfed baby today. The keys to bonding with your baby, despite a delay, are to touch or be near your baby consistently, to talk with your baby, to be responsive to baby's cues, to get good support when your baby is ready to try breastfeeding, and to negotiate with your baby's health care providers for what's important to you, if need be.  Discreetly nursing one of my little ones Speaking of breastfeeding, yeah; it's amazing! I LOVE it and have breastfed six babies (in staggered shifts--not all at once!) for over 13 years, with only two breaks of about six weeks each when two of my children weaned at the end of a couple of my pregnancies. Pacifiers have been unnecessary, although I would admit that we've discovered their usefulness in the car with our sixth baby. ;) On the topic of pacifiers, It was the Couple to Couple League who first introduced us to "ecological breastfeeding," or what I call "natural breastfeeding." In a nutshell, natural breastfeeding is nursing your baby without the use of artificial nipples, with responsiveness to baby's cues, day and night. There are advantages to natural breastfeeding, as well as some cons, and this important, neglected topic is one I will address soon in another blog post. If you want tips for getting a good start or need help, attending a local La Leche League meeting is a great idea. I am also available as a peer counselor and experienced nursing mom!  Preparing supper while holding baby! Babywearing? I can't get enough. I have worn my babies in backpacks, slings, frontpacks, and now, my brand new soft structured Boba. It's not only cuddly and sweet to wear your baby, it's the only way a busy mom can get things done, if you choose not to use swings or other baby gear! Here a shout-out to Baby Wearing International is appropriate. BWI has local chapters, including one in the Twin Cities area, where you can go and try on and even check out carriers before investing in them. What works for another mom and baby may not work for you at all, depending on body sizes, baby's age and stage of development and the reason you need or choose to babywear at any particular moment. BWI meetings are also a great opportunity to meet other AP moms, especially if you live in an area where attachment parenting isn't common.  First time I got to hold this sleeper without his feeding tube Bedding in? I adore cuddling with my sleeping baby or toddler. Our children have been and continue to be consistently great sleepers at night, unless they are sick. Thus far, among our six kids, we have had no bed wetting and no night terrors, including our kids who have graduated from the family bed. And to clear things up--no; we don't continue to sleep with our children forever! The exact age of weaning from the family bed has been different with our various children, but regardless of age, we take as much pride in our children developing night-time independence as we do when they take their first steps, or say their first sentence, or paint their first piece of art.... Night-time independence happens gradually and naturally. Just as a child doesn't go from crawling to walking flawlessly in one day, night-time independence is a gradual process, as the child learns to sleep more deeply, to hold his bladder, how to cope with scary dreams, how to cope with the different sights and sounds of night, etc. It's a lot to learn and we as parents need to be patient and trusting as our children move through this process. Safety concerns? Click on the Dr. McKenna link above. While we do practice the family bed, safe bed sharing is important; and bed sharing is not for everyone. Many people find sleeping with baby in a sidecar arrangement (with a co-sleeper) works better for their family than bed sharing. Concerns about intimacy? We have six kids, people. Need I say more? 
Big brother loves to get in on the baby soothing, too!
Responsiveness to baby's cry? Yep. With our first, I responded at the first teeny whimper. Demands on my time are a lot more now than they were then, so it's true that I am not as much of a helicopter mom now as I was then. Yet if I do fail to reach the baby before he is crying, I like to hold him and validate his feelings of fear or sorrow, with words, sounds and body language meant to convey, 'I am here now; you are safe.' 'Beware of baby trainers.' This is simply the old old idea of letting the baby cry it out to train the baby to either stop using crying as a method of communication altogether because nobody is ever going to come, or, more commonly, letting the baby cry it out to train the baby to sleep through the night. Either way, the idea is to let the baby cry without picking up or sometimes even going to the baby. Keeping in mind my statement above about the fact that I truly believe that God gives a particular child to a particular family, and parents need to decide what type of parenting is best for their family, I do take issue with the cry it out strategy because it is rude. I wouldn't simply stand there while an older friend or family member were crying. I would at least attempt to help them or comfort them in some way. I fail to see how ignoring the tears of a very young person is any less rude. Enough said.  Baby getting his first bottle at age 9 days. Finally, balance. This one eluded me till I was debilitated by postpartum anxiety, when we only had little ones in the house. It is hard for us perfectionistic moms to realize the following:
 With my baby and my preschooler asleep on either side, I am grateful especially to Sheila Kippley, one of the founders of CCL, now of Natural Family Planning International, for this quiet moment of beauty. It wouldn't have happened without her. It is my hope that I too can leave a legacy of quiet moments of beauty in the lives of my own children, and in the lives of other families I have been given the privilege to touch, whether in person or through the written word. I would love to hear how AP has influenced your life; contribute to the conversation by making a comment!
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