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3/20/2025

WELCOMING A RAINBOW BABY

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When I found out I was pregnant for the third time, the first visit with my doctor wasn’t your typical early pregnancy prenatal appointment. I came armed with knowledge, but filled with apprehension. After all, I had lost my first two babies, and still didn’t know the reasons why. I asked if she might prescribe progesterone to help prevent another loss. “Usually,” she informed me, “we wait till someone has had three losses before doing that.” I wasn’t satisfied with this answer. Why wait for someone to endure three losses when something could possibly prevent the third one?
While every pregnancy and birth is an unexpected trip into the unknown, the journey after the loss of a baby (whether before or after birth) may come with especially intense feelings, such as fear, guilt, longing, anxiety, grief, joy, or hope. The parallel experiences of celebrating the new life in your womb or arms, while simultaneously grieving the loss of your previous baby, is a unique challenge.
It is common to hear “you can always have another” when well-meaning friends or family members are confronted with the news of your loss. Setting aside the fact that there is no guarantee you will get pregnant again, there is the unspoken message that another pregnancy or baby will somehow erase the pain and perhaps even the memory of the baby you lost. In reality, a new pregnancy can be both healing and agonizing. Another pregnancy doesn’t have the magical power to erase the memory of your previous baby, nor can it completely remove the pain of your loss.
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Feeding my "rainbow baby," my first living baby
After losing two previous pregnancies and trudging through the murky waters of infertility, finding myself pregnant at last felt like a miracle, though a very fragile one. As the months passed, my confidence and hope increased; still, that innocent, carefree expectation of having a living baby (that I had felt during my first pregnancy) was gone forever. When I finally held my newborn baby girl in my arms, after a very long birth, I found myself tearfully rejoicing with the words: “We waited so long for you.” I cannot begin to fully describe the joy and unimaginable unworthiness I felt at the immense gift of holding my own living child in my arms. However, Kate and Luke, our first two babies, will never be forgotten. I wait in hope to see them face to face one day.
There is no need to “move on” or “get over” the loss of your baby. Though he may no longer be with you in this life, his spirit remains. There is no need to try to forget your child who is no longer here; in fact, you will always have a special connection with her by virtue of your motherhood. Likewise, taking joy in the new life you’ve been given doesn’t diminish the memory of your other baby, just as welcoming another baby into a family doesn’t diminish his parents’ love for an older sibling. Love multiplies. Your heart can expand to welcome your new child while continuing to treasure her older siblings, whether they are in this world or the next.
Pregnancy after loss is often a frightening experience. When I found myself pregnant the second time, I was scared. It was six months after my first pregnancy – and first loss – and I was anxious. I was so scared to hope. Now, I knew how painful it was to have those blissful hopes utterly, irrevocably dashed. I was scared to attach to the new baby and, to be honest, I never really did. But even so, I lost him. And then I felt guilty and regretful that I never enjoyed Luke while he was alive inside me. All of these emotions – such as anxiety, fear, guilt, and difficulty attaching – are very common in a pregnancy after loss.
Sadly, I didn’t have much support, but thankfully, support is available to help you with these incredibly challenging emotions. Prayer, journaling, support groups, and therapy can all be of benefit as you navigate this complex journey. As a specially trained and certified birth & bereavement doula, I am available to listen and support you, whether by phone, text, or messaging, or even, possibly, to accompany you during your upcoming birth.
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Speaking of the birth of your new baby, birth following loss may be different from other birth experiences. The understandable fear you might feel could result in a slower birth. It is also possible to have flashbacks, panic attacks, or to feel dissociated from your body. If at all possible, choose a birth team who understands the complex journey of birth after loss and is fully informed of your previous loss or losses.
Due to your location, insurance coverage, or payment issues, the choice of your health care provider may not be completely yours to make; however, if possible, gather more information before settling on your doctor or midwife. Consider requesting a consultation before scheduling your first prenatal appointment. During the consultation, be curious and bring a list of questions with you. Ask what ways the provider supports families with a history of a previous loss during pregnancy or birth. Ask what additional tests or screening procedures are available or expected during your pregnancy or birth due to your history of loss. If the provider has privileges at several facilities, which facility do they recommend as the best choice for you and why? A birth and bereavement doula, who has received comprehensive training in the unique experience of birth after loss, and loss during birth, may also be a great addition to your team. Resources and links are at the end of this post.
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The baby or babies you lost can also be considered unseen members of your “birth team.” As Catholics, my husband and I asked for our miscarried children to pray for us and their new siblings throughout my pregnancies. They were our very own heavenly “prayer team.” During the pregnancy, we also asked for a special blessing from our priest. What are some ways to include your "angel baby" or your faith in your current pregnancy? Please share your ideas in the comments for other families!
Attending trauma-informed therapy sessions during your pregnancy can be of great benefit, especially if your loss occurred during a previous birth experience. While techniques for combatting fear are helpful to all birthing mothers, they are especially important when you’re in the process of welcoming your rainbow baby. If you can, take a birth course specifically designed for birth after loss, so that you can learn special tips and coping strategies unique to your situation.
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Example of a Sign for the Door to your Birth Room
It may be meaningful for you to set up a memorial of your first baby in the birthing room, so that you can honor your previous baby while welcoming your new baby. Some parents place a special sign on the door to the birthing room so that all who enter are aware of what you’ve gone through. Hopefully this will prevent uncomfortable or painful questions or statements that may otherwise trigger a strong emotional reaction.
While you will never be the same as you were before your loss, you can experience healing, hope, and even joy. Life is a beautiful gift. The baby you lost would want you to soak up all the good that you can in this life and also, when that day comes, to reunite with him in the next.
Have you experienced a loss? Are you pregnant again? Have you given birth after loss? Your story matters. By sharing, you can help other parents feel less alone. Please share your story by commenting on this post. If you need a listening ear, guidance, support, or someone to walk alongside you as you make this journey, I would love to connect with you. You are not alone!

resources for families birthing rainbow babies

  • Birth Doula Services from St Croix Birth & Parenting (for Twin Cities, Minnesota area families or traveling doula services with pre-arrangement)
  • Star Legacy Foundation's Pregnancy after Loss Classes
  • Birth and bereavement doulas​
  • Catholic birth and bereavement doulas​

LOSS RESOURCES

  • Tiny Treasures Perinatal Loss Support: provides care packages for families experiencing, facing, or having survived the loss of a baby; ships appropriately sized baby clothing to families experiencing loss at any stage of pregnancy, during birth, and early in infancy at no cost; online retreats for loss families
  • Resources for Catholic parents facing the loss of a baby​

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2/8/2025

TODDLER-FRIENDLY VALENTINE'S ACTIVITIES THAT FOSTER CONNECTION

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Valentine's Day is just a few days away! While the first thing that springs to mind may be romantic love, Valentine's Day is a wonderful time to focus on growing your connection with your little one as well. Toddlers thrive on simple, meaningful activities that engage their senses and strengthen their bond with their parents and other caregivers. I have gathered some simple activities you can easily do with the little ones in your life, while you make some precious memories.

crafting A BEE-YOUTIFUL connection

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What even is Valentine's Day without Valentines? How about a card with your little honey's footprint turned into a bumblebee? Here is a sweet little Bee Mine Valentine's card that your little one can make for Dad, Mama, Grandma or Grandpa -- or another special person in his or her life. You can see my daughter's version at the left; click on the link above for our inspiration!
For babies or young toddlers, you can add the details to their footprint to make their bee come alive. Older toddlers and preschoolers will love crafting their bee by themselves! Hint: if you don't have or don't want to use alphabet stickers, you can trace the letters, "BEE MINE," in pencil and have little ones paint over your letters. Fine motor skills, arts and crafts, and writing practice all in one!

Saint Valentine love letters

While it is entirely possible to celebrate and enjoy Valentine's Day as it is commonly celebrated today, my Christian and Catholic readers will appreciate a faith-based activity you can do with your little ones. Since we're on the topic of "Valentines," did you know that the Saint Valentine, a Roman clergyman from the third century, is still known for writing letters of encouragement to Christians undergoing persecution? This may explain our tradition of writing sweet cards on Valentine's Day to those we love.
If you are interested in adding this activity to your special day, talk with your child about people you know who might need some extra encouragement...perhaps a grandparent, a neighbor, residents at a local nursing home, immigrants, or mothers experiencing a difficult or unexpected pregnancy.
Write simple messages of encouragement such as "God loves you," "Praying for you," "You are a gift," or "Jesus loves you," and having your child "sign" his name to the card, with a thumbprint, first initial or first name, depending on your child's abilities. Your little ones can also decorate their Saint Valentine cards with hearts, stickers, or stamps. You and your child can then deliver the cards to the intended recipients, bringing them joy, and practicing the virtue of kindness as a family.

SENSORY PLAY WITH A HEARTFELT TWIST

If you're hoping to encourage the growth of your little one's attention span; give them an opportunity to explore textures; and practice scooping and pouring; a sensory bin is a great idea. But let's be real...when you've got little ones who may still put things in their mouths, a sensory bin can be a nerve-wracking and potentially dangerous thing! If you can handle it if the littles dump everything out, here's a great idea for a (mostly) edible sensory bin: a cereal bin!
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Here are some ideas for your Valentine's themed sensory bin: heart-shaped cereal and / or heart-shaped cookies or crackers, scoops, spoons, candy molds or muffin tins, cookie cutters, or measuring cups -- bonus if these tools are heart-shaped! Put everything in the storage container and let them go at it! You can teach vocabulary words like "heart," "scoop," or "pour." If you have different colored cereals or cookies, show them how to sort the items into different muffin tins or cups by color, having them repeat the color names. While they would undoubtedly enjoy this activity solo, make sure to stay close by for safety.
If you want to contain the mess, and you have a big enough box, put the sensory bin and the little ones in the big box. When they're done nibbling, scooping, pouring, and exploring, remove the reusable items and toss, or compost, the remains of the cereal.

sweet treats, simple joys

Since we're on the topic of food, making heart-shaped treats together is a wonderful way to develop teamwork with your child, while teaching math skills. Valentine's Day and strawberries seem like a natural pair; how about your own home-made, heart-shaped strawberry roll-ups? Yes; please!
With only four simple ingredients, this recipe is a great one to make with your little ones. The hardest part for them will be the three to four-hour wait while the mixture dries in the oven. (Hint: fill the time with the other activities we have suggested!) Little ones can measure out and add the ingredients to the food processor, and later, they can cut out the heart-shaped roll-ups with heart cookie cutters. As always, for their safety, make sure you stay with your child throughout this activity.

COMMUNICATING LOVE WITH BABY SIGNS

Getting out with your little ones to shops or stores around this time of year is a great opportunity to communicate with your child about Valentine's Day. Hearts, flowers, and so many red objects surround and delight your child! Did you know research demonstrates that little ones who use baby sign language learn to communicate more quickly with their parents or caregivers than non-signing babies, and have reduced frustration, because they can talk about the world around and inside them?
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Our My Favorite Valentine's Signs Baby Signs (R) online playgroup is a fantastic way to give your little one a way to communicate with you about love, hearts, flowers, and other common sights, sounds, and smells of Valentine's Day! We will sing Valentine's Day songs, make a heart-themed craft, listen to a story, and learn and practice six Valentine's Day related signs. The class is free on Valentine's Day, but if the time of the class doesn't work for you, contact us to arrange a private class.
The best Valentine's Day activities are the ones that create joyful memories and strengthen family bonds. If you try one or more of these activities, make sure to share how it went in the comments. Use our hashtag #stcroixbirth on social media, so we can share the joy with you and your little ones as you connect on this special day dedicated to love!
Note: this post contains affiliate links. Proceeds from your purchases helps us to continue providing free and low-cost services to families in the Twin Cities, Minnesota area, and around the world.

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11/25/2023

GROWING GRACEFULLY

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Supporting your young child through important transitions is the focus of several of our featured December classes and events, including weaning from the breast (at our online Catholic Nursing Mothers' Group) and welcoming a new sibling (in our Baby Signs "My Baby & Me" playgroup). In this post, I will share four ways to help your growing child to grow gracefully: natural breastfeeding; positive weaning; infant massage; and joyfully preparing for a new sibling.
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NATURAL breastfeeding

If you are expecting a new baby, no doubt one of the most important decisions you must make is how you plan to feed your baby. Breastfeeding may not be the easiest choice, especially in the beginning. However, once you and baby get the "hang of it," it becomes second-nature for many busy new moms and babies. Breastfeeding is a wonderful way to ease your newborn's transition from in the womb to in your arms. In fact, healthy newborns have a variety of instincts that allow them to seek out the breast and latch successfully all on their own!

GENTLE, POSITIVE WEANING

While the word "weaning" often conjures up images of wailing babies and swollen, painful breasts, gentle, baby-led weaning is often so gradual and natural a process that mother may not even remember the exact day or even week that her little one weaned from the breast. Gradual weaning is gentler on both mother and baby. I use the term "positive weaning" to describe this style of weaning. Instead of abruptly removing a child from the breast, positive weaning is a mindset that respects the child's developmental readiness and views weaning as a process. Being "fully weaned" is a milestone and achievement, like mastering how to use the toilet, learning to ride a bike, or learning to read. Positive weaning also respects the mother's needs and bodily integrity, since the process of weaning may often be the child's first exposure to the idea that each person's body belongs to that person, and their first experience of respecting that others can, and will, say "no" to him or her on occasion. These important lessons have many benefits for the child long into the future.

INFANT MASSAGE

No matter how they are fed, newborns benefit from infant massage as they transition from womb to world. For a young child, touch is as vital to life as milk. Infants who regularly receive infant massage cry less, develop faster, and have fewer discomforts. Infant massage is a wonderful way to encourage your baby's health and well-being while bonding with your child.

JOYFULLY WELCOMING A NEW SIBLING

For many children, their special time as the "baby of the family" will come to an end when a new sibling arrives. The uncertainty of how their child will handle this transition is often a source of considerable worry for parents during pregnancy. Often in books or shows on this topic, the older sibling is portrayed as jealous and the parents or grandparents as only interested in the new baby, and in my opinion, these negative depictions plant seeds of worry and pessimism in the older sibling that may contribute to a long-term "sibling rivalry."
My own experiences as a mother of seven have taught me that this transition is easier on the new big brother or sister when the older child is involved in the pregnancy; for example, attending prenatal care or ultrasound appointments; looking at ultrasound photos together; or helping to pick out clothing or prepare the home for the new baby. It is beneficial if there have been age-appropriate discussions of the birth process and birth plans; as well as frequent discussions of what they can expect of a newborn, and how Mom, Dad, and Big Sister or Brother will care for the baby...all with a positive, excited attitude.
During the typical challenges of pregnancy, and especially if complications arise during the pregnancy or birth, it is best to talk with your child in an age-appropriate way about what is happening to mommy or baby and how they can help, even if in very simple ways, like, "Please bring Mommy a glass of water." When the child does these precious acts of service, praise the child, letting him or her know what a great big brother or sister he / she already is. Empathy, gentleness, education, and encouragement will go a long way toward helping the young child to embrace this new role that, God willing, will last a lifetime.

SCBP RESOURCES

  • Breastfeeding Matters is our online or in-person breastfeeding prep class that meets once every month
  • "Positive Weaning" is the topic for discussion at our December online Catholic Nursing Mothers' Group
  • Private, online or in-person professional breastfeeding counseling is available throughout the week if you have questions about establishing breastfeeding, weaning, or other breastfeeding-related questions
  • Infant Massage Basics is a two-hour online or in-person class that gives you practical information, skills, and games you can use to develop a baby massage routine; class is available once every month
  • "My Baby & Me" is our sibling prep parent-child Baby Signs (R) playgroup that is offered once every two months​. While this class is currently only offered online, arrangements can be made to deliver the content in-person
VIEW ALL CLASSES

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10/26/2023

HOLIDAY WEANING AND THE UNEXPECTED RETURN OF FERTILITY

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When my oldest (and gently weaning) child was twenty-six months old, relatives were coming from out of state for Thanksgiving. As a young couple, this would be the first time we ever hosted the big day. I was all in for the slow-baked turkey, the mashed potatoes and gravy, the yams, the beans, the salads, the pies, the harvest decorations, the beautifully laid table, and all the rest.
Thirty-eight weeks later, our second child was born, in the shower at home, in the middle of one crazy night.
We had been hoping for and planning to try for another child -- so the news I was pregnant was welcomed by both of us -- but I share this story to let you know that holiday weaning -- and an unexpected holiday-conceived baby -- aren't just theories for me!
A mere two months prior to that positive pregnancy test, when our oldest child turned two years old, I had visited my doctor to let her know that my fertility (both menstruation and ovulation) had not yet returned. Due to my prior history of infertility, she had advised that we begin to investigate possible causes. However, I had done nothing more than talk to the doctor when we conceived our dearly loved second child. Surprise! What happened?
After giving birth, a breastfeeding mother has two different hormonal "sides" that can be imagined as the two sides of a scale. On one side, she has breastfeeding hormones that promote lactation (and tend to suppress ovulation) -- and on the other, reproductive hormones that promote ovulation, and which may lead to another pregnancy. While the timing of her return of fertility varies from woman to woman, and even from baby to baby by the same mother (due to many different factors) the general principle is that frequent and unrestricted suckling at the breast is the most important factor that keeps the breastfeeding hormones side of the scale "heavier," resulting in continued natural suppression of fertility.
However, the further out in time from the birth, the easier it is for the reproductive hormones to tip the scales, so that menstruation or ovulation may return. This is part of the reason why the holiday season is indirectly responsible for many late summer and fall babies!
What factors contribute to this unexpected holiday-related return of fertility? Here is a partial list:
  • changes in the nursing and sleep routines caused by the typical busy-ness that often accompanies the holidays, including the extra cleaning, cooking and shopping, decorating, etc.
  • extra celebrations and parties, when a mother may delay or completely skip feedings
  • well-meaning relatives who may keep the baby or young toddler busy and distract him or her from nursing or may even feed the baby (with or without the parents' knowledge)
  • feeling awkward or embarrassed to nurse the baby in new situations or around different people
  • new people, blinking lights, and experiences that distract baby or toddler from wanting to nurse, or cause shorter feedings than usual
If, like my husband and me, you are hoping for another baby, then just pay attention to your signs of fertility and enjoy making your holiday baby if the signs point to being fertile!
However, especially if your baby is under a year old, you may want to protect your breastfeeding relationship, discourage weaning, and delay making a new baby until later in the future. In that case, you definitely want to do what you can to avoid changes in your usual nursing and sleeping routines as much as possible. This may not be the year to host holidays and celebrations! Keep your meals and preparations simple, and maybe even skip some of this year's parties. Remember, you need to maintain your normal routines as much as possible, so that baby's frequent suckling at the breast remains as consistent as possible. At the same time, be vigilant to observe and record your signs of fertility, so that if you do detect any changes that indicate fertility, you and your husband can still celebrate, but in less intimate ways.
If a more detailed discussion of how to protect your breastfeeding relationship during the holidays, how to interpret your signs of fertility, or how to understand the return of fertility after birth would be helpful to you, contact me (Christelle) to book a free online, phone, or in-person consultation. As a certified breastfeeding counselor and fertility educator, I can help!
For Catholic breastfeeding mothers, "Navigating the Holidays as a Breastfeeding Family," and the unexpected return of fertility are the discussion topics of our online Catholic Nursing Mothers' Group in November. Reach out if you would like to join us for this free online breastfeeding support group!

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2/17/2023

NFP "OOPSIES"... UNEXPECTED PREGNANCIES WHEN USING NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING

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If you've used Natural Family Planning [NFP] or a fertility awareness method for any length of time, you've probably heard this joke:
Q. What do you call people who use NFP?
A. Parents!
[Yucka yucka yucka.]
You may have heard that natural methods of family planning have a very high rate of effectiveness at avoiding pregnancy, as high as 99% effective, depending on the rules followed. To achieve this high rate of effectiveness, natural methods of family planning rely on abstinence from sexual intercourse and genital contact without penetration -- yes, contact pregnancies are a thing. So if that's the case, how come "NFP families" tend to be so darn big??!! (Cue family photo here.)
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(Yes; they're all ours.)

Let's get real. How come NFP families tend to be so darn big?
1. Taking chances. NFP requires abstinence. As I said before, "To achieve this high rate of effectiveness, natural methods of family planning rely on abstinence from sexual intercourse and genital contact." How many people do you know who are super good at abstinence from say, junk food? White lies? Gossip? And those aren't even particularly good things. Sex is a good thing. Sex with one's spouse is a very good and wonderful, and yes, pleasurable thing. Let's be real...sometimes the idea of maybe-possibly-who-knows? we could have another baby -- and babies are also very good and wonderful -- doesn't seem like such a Bad Idea. So the couple takes a chance...and along comes little Jenny or Timmy. I won't embarrass my kids by naming names, but let's just say I have personal experience with reason #1. If you are serious about not getting pregnant, you cannot, I repeat, CANNOT, take chances.
2. Being inexperienced or "relaxed". If you don't really understand how NFP works... like maybe you learned from the internet for example...you might not really understand how to observe, record, and interpret your signs of fertility. The evil twin sister of this idea is when you really do know how to do all of the above, but you just get kind of in a mindset that things are usually like "x" so you don't really need to do all the things and poof! just like that, something changes and a couple weeks later you're looking down at two pink lines...ask how I know lol. Natural methods are very unforgiving of missed observations and wishful thinking. You gotta do the method consistently to expect it to work.
3. Changing your minds. One of the benefits of natural methods of family planning is even if yesterday you were darn sure you never wanted another baby, you can change your mind the very next day and there's nothing to worry about or wait for. Go ahead and try! Newsflash: families using NFP don't need to announce their pregnancy intentions to anybody, so even if you assume or they told you that they're using NFP to avoid pregnancy, maybe they changed their minds and that is why they're having another baby! Don't assume the method "failed" -- it actually may have been used to achieve a wanted pregnancy! Thank the method for indicating you were fertile so you were able to have a baby that you wanted!
4. Method failure. While rare, it is possible that the couple used the natural method correctly, didn't take chances, and still got pregnant. If you are having sex, or even just "fooling around" without penetration, pregnancy is possible. This is true of any methods (natural or not), as long as the woman's ovaries and the man's testicles are intact. Even patients who have had a tubal ligation or vasectomy become pregnant from time to time. Life sometimes finds a way, even when the "chance" of pregnancy is extremely low! As with any family planning method, natural methods used correctly may fail to prevent pregnancy. If your sexual organs are intact, complete abstinence is the only way to be 100% certain you will not become pregnant.
Share your NFP stories! I would love to hear from you!

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2/16/2023

'ALL SMILES': MOTHER SHARES HOW BABY SIGNS HELP HER  COMMUNICATE WITH BABY (INTERVIEW)

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It was such a joy to have a dear young mom and her sweet first baby, Emma, in a recent Sign, Say, and Play baby sign language series. Here are the mother's thoughts about St. Croix Birth & Parenting's Baby Signs classes!
Q: What reasons did you have for wanting to learn Baby Signs (R) with your baby?
​A: We wanted a way to communicate with Emma before she was able to do so by speaking so we could better respond to her needs and help her to feel empowered and connected. 
Q: Do you think Emma enjoyed the classes themselves? If so, how could you tell?
​A: Yes! Watching on the iPad for 45 minutes was beyond her so young, but she definitely engaged happily each time, and she really seemed to enjoy playing pretend dressing her Teddy—all smiles and excited sounds!
Q: Did you ever see Emma use Baby Signs in her daily life? If so, what signs did she use?
​A: She is not signing yet, but she seems to watch our hands when we do. 
Q: Can you think of a time it helped you or other family members to use signs with Emma?
​A: We use them as much as we can, especially “all done” and “more,” which I think has really helped us with feeding but also when we have to change activities or redirect her to say we are “all done”! Emma always smiles when we sign “dog”! We definitely think they will help as her capacity to comprehend the signs and then to use them grows!
Q: Is there anything you would say to parents or caregivers about using baby signs with babies?
​A: It is fun, functional, and building strong connections between my baby and me and in her brain as she already develops her neural pathways for language before she can ever speak. 
Q: Would you recommend SCBP Baby Signs (R) classes?
​A: I already have to several moms!
Thanks so much for this wonderful feedback!

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2/15/2023

JUST PREGNANT? OR PRENATAL DEPRESSION?

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While postpartum mood disorders like postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety have become well known, awareness of prenatal mood disorders is not as well known. It can be hard to tell if you are "just" pregnant or if you may be depressed. This graphic can help you tease out the differences. If you suspect you might be depressed, make sure to reach out to your health care provider or a mental health professional and share what you are feeling. It is very important to get proper treatment of mood disorders, whether they come up before or after your baby's birth. There are treatments that are safe for you and baby! You are beautiful; you matter; and your mental health matters!

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10/1/2022

7 WAYS TO SUPPORT A FAMILY WHO HAS HAD A PREGNANCY LOSS

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October brings cooler weather, pumpkin spice everything, the excitement of Spooky Season...and Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. As a bereaved mother of multiples and certified birth and bereavement doula, I want to share some tips for loved ones who want to support parents mourning the loss of their babies.
First, a little of my own story. As newlyweds who weren't trying to conceive, my husband and I weren't expecting to become pregnant only six months into our marriage, but I was thrilled. I recall announcing my pregnancy to my employer and being scolded for breaking the unspoken rule (of which I was unaware!) that you shouldn't tell people you're pregnant until you have passed the somehow magical twelve-week point of pregnancy. (The truth is pregnancies do end after twelve weeks -- and unannounced earlier losses aren't necessarily any easier to live through...alone.) 
Just a few weeks after my pregnancy announcement, I noticed I was bleeding. Immediately seeking medical care, I was devastated when I was informed that the embryo had not formed after implantation. Sadly, our tiny first baby had died very early in development. We were the first of our friends to get married and certainly the first to lose a baby, and I felt quite alone during that loss. Thankfully, I received support from our midwife and a local organization that still supports families going through pregnancy loss.
When someone you know has announced their pregnancy, only to find out at some future time that their baby's life (or babies' lives) have ended before or during birth, it can be a confusing situation for loved ones. You might wonder what to say or do, and what not to say and do. Every bereaved parent grieves differently and has different needs, so the best practice is simply to ask, "What can I do for you?" However, in the midst of the fog and pain of grief, it can be difficult for bereaved parents to come up with any concrete answers to this question, so here are some general principles that are a good place to start. You can remember these tips with the acronym: SUPPORT.
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  • Spiritual support
  • Use the baby's name
  • Physical support
  • Patience and listening
  • Organize help
  • Remembrances / mementoes
  • Talk about the baby
SPIRITUAL SUPPORT. Parents who have lost a child or baby have a real need for their spiritual community to encircle them with heartfelt prayers of blessing, sorrow, and hope; practical service; reflective listening; and genuine caring. As I was before my first pregnancy, many new parents may be blissfully unaware that pregnancies don't always result in gender reveal parties, glamorous baby bump photos, and picture-perfect nurseries, but instead end in physical pain, uncomfortable procedures, and a grave. Such a shock can be a significant challenge to their faith. Are they being punished for something they did in the past? How could a loving God allow them to live through such pain? Does God even care about what they are going through? The bereaved family has a right to experience their spiritual community (or even a loving friend of faith, if the family is not a member of a faith community) to accompany them through their grief. To assure them they are not being punished for past sins or mistakes. That God is with them in their grief. That He weeps with them. And please, unless you are truly a prophet with some extraordinary revelation, do not make the mistake of falsely promising that God will give them a baby in the future. Such false promises only ease your own discomfort at walking with this family's grief and can be a future source of pain and even loss of faith if the "prophecy" fails to come true.
USE THE BABY'S NAME. While not all bereaved parents may choose a name for the baby who has passed away, it can be healing to do so. If they do choose a name, it is healing to their hearts to hear you use the baby's name. For example, "Can I see Talia's ultrasound photos?" or "Where is Easton's grave? I'd like to visit." Losing a baby is a unique pain because there may be very few or even no physical reminders of his or her existence once the loss is complete. There may be no birth certificate, no gravesite if the loss was early, no birth photos, perhaps not even any clothes or diapers left behind. Using the child's name assures the parents that their child did exist, although his or her life was brief. Using the baby's name is a way to demonstrate that you are bearing the burden of grief with the parent; he or she doesn't have to be the only person to bear witness to the unique value of the child's life. And if the parents do not choose a name, I suggest you refer to their child as "your baby" rather than clinical or dehumanizing terms such as "the fetus," "the product of conception," "the embryo," or "it."
PHYSICAL SUPPORT. In the early days, weeks, or months, the trauma of loss may be very intense. Help the family with physical needs such as providing water bottles, food and meals, gift cards for food (or gas cards if the mother is hospitalized for an extended time), doing laundry, or cleaning house. However, do not try to be "helpful" by cleaning out the baby's nursery or putting away the baby's things, unless specifically asked to do so by the parents. While it will likely be painful for them to see the nursery or baby's clothes, toys, or other gear, it can be an important part of the healing process to live with these things for awhile as it helps assure them that the baby did live for a short while, even though he or she is no longer alive. When they are emotionally ready, it can be an important step in the parents' healing to personally be the ones to decide to put baby's items away or let them go. Don't try to hurry this step along without being asked by them, and thus rob them of what could be important steps in their healing journey.
PATIENCE AND LISTENING. Be sensitive that grief for a baby may last a long time, longer than you expect. Avoid platitudes or cliches such as "you can have another;" "time heals all wounds;" or false beliefs such as "God took the baby because He needed another angel." Instead, listen, hand out tissues to catch tears, and offer a hug. Affirm the parents' feelings. "You sound really mad; that would make me mad, too." "You really needed someone to be there for you; I'm sorry I couldn't be there. I'm here now." "It sounds like you really miss not only the baby, but all the things you wanted to do with him / her." "You sound like you feel guilty about ..." Do your best to not judge the parents' feelings. Encourage them to get help from a trained mental health professional or spiritual counselor if they begin to seem overwhelmed by their grief. Offer to drive them to appointments as it can be difficult to do things like driving or finding new places when you are in the midst of deep grief and possibly a mental health crisis.
ORGANIZE HELP. In coordination with your faith community, school community, neighborhood, workplace, or social club, organize help for the family with things like childcare for any older children, meals / meal trains and household help. If organizing things is not your strength, recruit someone who is good at it! Little by little, with healing and good support, the family will be able to resume these activities, but in the meantime, you can make a huge difference for this family.
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REMEMBRANCES / MEMENTOES. When you hear that your loved one has experienced a loss, give or send them a sympathy card, care package, plant, candle, journal, and / or something personalized with the baby's name. Later, send them a card or note on important milestone dates such as the baby's due date (or birth date if it was an infant loss) or the date he or she passed away or passed into the world. Such mementoes become tangible reminders of the child's life and may be very important to the parents in the months and even years to come. A ministry I founded, Tiny Treasures Perinatal Loss Support will ship a care package upon request, without cost, to any family experiencing a loss or surviving a loss anywhere in the United States.
TALK ABOUT THE BABY. A common myth is that you shouldn't talk about the baby because it will remind the parents about their child and make them sad. Trust me; they won't forget their child. Early in the grieving process, the bereaved parent will frequently be consumed by thoughts of their baby and the loss. As the grief journey matures, thoughts of the child will gradually become less frequent, but hearing that you still remember him or her will likely be very comforting to them. Bereaved parents need to know that their baby's life mattered and that they do not hold the sole burden of remembering this tiny, and very important, life.
It has been many years since my first loss, and since then, I have had the blessing of seven living children, and the sorrow of several other losses. Thankfully, compared to my first loss of Kate Leilani in 1998, I experienced so much more awareness and support by my friends and community when I suffered the loss of my baby, Anais Zelie, in 2016. Hopefully, this list of practical ways to SUPPORT your loved one will help you so you can accompany your loved one through the loss of their precious baby. Comment below and let me know if this list was helpful to you! What would you add?

RESOURCES FOR FAMILIES EXPERIENCING PREGNANCY OR INFANT LOSS

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Tiny Treasures Perinatal Loss Support. An all-volunteer ministry that makes and provides appropriately-sized clothing for babies who pass away at any stage of pregnancy, during birth, or early in infancy. Tiny Treasures ships bereavement clothing and layettes to hospitals, health care providers, faith communities, or grief support organizations. Upon request by a bereaved parent or loved one, Tiny Treasures will ship a care package to any family experiencing loss anywhere in the United States. There is no cost to any loss family for goods or services, although financial gifts are appreciated.
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Tiny Treasures Wave of Light Retreat. Every year on October 15, (Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day) in collaboration with the Respect Life Committees of the Churches of St. Michael, St. Mary, and St. Charles (Stillwater, MN) Tiny Treasures hosts a Wave of Light healing retreat for families who have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss. Contact Christelle Hagen for more information.
Halos of the St. Croix Valley. For St. Croix Valley residents in Minnesota and Wisconsin, and Twin Cities area residents, Halos provides emotional and financial support for families experiencing the loss of a child at any point from pregnancy through age 20.
Catholic Miscarriage Support. A website with practical resources for Catholics about miscarriage and links to sources of support, for miscarriage and stillbirth, throughout the USA.

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9/17/2022

'SO FUN': A NANNY'S EXPERIENCE USING BABY SIGNS (Interview)

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Parents are often the ones who take baby sign language classes so they can communicate with their baby before baby can talk. But learning baby sign language is helpful for anyone who spends significant time with a baby, including siblings, grandparents, daycare workers, babysitters, and other caregivers! Earlier this year, Emilie, a nanny, asked her employer if she could take the Sign, Say, and Play online Baby Signs (R) Class with her nanny charge, Emma. I asked Emilie about her experience using baby sign language with Emma.
SCBP: What reasons did you have for wanting to learn Baby Signs with your nanny baby?
Emilie: 
 I wanted to learn baby sign language with Emma because I knew how much it would help us communicate with each other. I have used sign language in the past in my family growing up and I was interested in trying it as a caregiver.
SCBP: What age was Emma when you began to take classes with her?
Emilie: ​Emma was seven and a half months old when we took our first class.
Emma was seven and a half months old when we took our first class.... Emma definitely enjoyed the classes.
​~Emilie, nanny
SCBP: Do you think Emma enjoyed the classes themselves? If so, how could you tell?
Emilie: Yes! Emma definitely enjoyed the classes. She would often try to reach for the screen and sometimes waved hello, too! She would also play with the toys which were part of the class, and she laughed whenever we did parachute play.
SCBP: Did you ever see Emma use Baby Signs in her daily life? What signs did she use?
Emilie: ​Yes! Emma loved to use baby signs as she grew older. Her favorite signs were "Dog", "More", "All Done", "Book", and "Fish"!
SCBP: Do you think it was helpful for her that she use signs? Can you think of a time it helped you or her family that she knew signs?
Emilie: I do think it was helpful for her to use signs. She is a very smart little one and knowing baby signs allowed her to communicate what she liked and what she wanted (and what she didn't want). We developed our own sign for angry which we would both use. There were several times I remember her starting to cry then stopping and using the sign for angry instead! It was definitely helpful to have a baby who cried less often!
"I remember her starting to cry then stopping and using the sign for angry instead! It was definitely helpful to have a baby who cried less often!"
~ Emilie
SCBP: Is there anything you would say to parents or caregivers about using baby signs with babies?
Emilie: Using baby signs is a great way to give your little one a way to communicate early on in life. When their vocabulary is bigger than just "cry" and "smile", it will surprise you how much easier it is to care for them! You can simply give them what they tell you that they want, most of the time.
SCBP: Would you recommend SCBP Baby Signs classes?
Emilie: I would definitely recommend SCBP Baby Signs Classes. They are a fun and easy way to learn a great way of communicating with your little one.
SCBP: Thank you, Emilie, for taking the time to answer these questions about your baby sign language experience!
Emilie: I 
am always happy to help out! And it was so fun to take the classes.

BABY SIGN LANGUAGE RESOURCES

Sign, Say, & Play class series: six fun online classes for little ones 6-24 months old covering the main topics that you need to know to communicate with baby, including mealtime, bedtime, bath time, pets, getting dressed, and playtime
Rumble Tumble Tummy Time class series: four fun online classes for babies 2-6 months old that use signs, song, toys, and games to make tummy time fun!
Featured Freebie class: SCBP offers FREE theme-based baby sign language classes every month for children from birth to age 6! View and sign up for this month's Featured Freebie class here.
Baby Signs Too: a website with a directory of certified Baby Signs (R) instructors from around the world and lots of baby signs resources for sale, too!

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8/31/2022

HOW SCBP ACCOMPANIED FAMILIES IN AUGUST

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August was a busy month for SCBP! The month got rolling with the August 4 session of the Catholic Nursing Mothers' Group, a group co-sponsored by the Catholic Nursing Mothers' League. We discussed "Comfort Nursing." We welcomed nine mothers and their children to this online session.
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The next day, August 5, I talked about "The Works of Mercy and Perinatal Loss" at Peace House right here in Stillwater, Minnesota. I was blessed to spend a lovely evening with several of the members of the Catholic Worker movement, who help women and mothers and their children in need of transitional housing, support, and life coaching. I was able to share with the group about our affiliated ministry, Tiny Treasures Perinatal Support. Team Tiny Treasures ships clothing and care packages to families facing or experiencing perinatal loss. It was an honor to discuss how this ministry is a way to "clothe the naked," "comfort the mourning" and "bury the dead".
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The following day, August 6, my daughter, Emilie, joined me at the 12th Annual Memorial Walk for Halos of the St. Croix Valley, in New Richmond, Wisconsin. It was an honor to provide support (and demonstrate the resources our affiliated ministry, Tiny Treasures,  provides) for the individuals and families who came out to walk to support this wonderful organization that support grieving parents and families.
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In mid-August, BeeBo Bear and I had the joy of providing the August Featured Freebie Class, "A, B, C, Sign with Me," online for several mothers and their children. In this class, we had a blast learning all of the manual alphabet signs, while signing songs, and reading the classic alphabet book, Chicka Chicka Boom Boom!
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Some of these mothers and kids told their friends about the fun they had in the class and just a week later, BeeBo Bear and I repeated the August Featured Freebie Class, "Under the Sea" Baby Signs Class for a larger group of mamas and littles. In this online class, designed for toddlers and preschoolers 2-5 years old, we created an octopus, sang songs, and told a story to help little ones grow in the virtue of self-control.
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Sadly, at the end of August, Tiny Treasures was asked to ship off a care package for a New Richmond, Wisconsin family who had experienced a pregnancy loss. And thus, August 2022 was an example of SCBP's mission to "accompany families through the joys and sorrows of birth and parenting."
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    Christelle J. K. Hagen, BfNAE, ICI, SBD is a certified birth doula, certified Baby Signs instructor, Certified Birth & Bereavement Doula, fertility educator, and the President and Founder of St. Croix Birth & Parenting. Christelle helps mothers develop strategies to get pregnant naturally, give birth with confidence, and succeed when they breastfeed!
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    "Blessed are those who trust in the Lord, whose trust is in the Lord. They shall be like a tree planted by water, sending out its roots by the stream. It shall not fear when heat comes, and its leaves stay green; In the year of drought it is not anxious, and it does not cease to bear fruit." ~Jeremiah 17:7-8 (NRSV-CE)

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